Strangely Socialised

Let me say just this about Adam Lambert as a mentor: he was a great choice, made for the wrong reasons. Idol doesn’t choose its mentors because they think they’ll be good, they choose them for promotional value (for both the show, and the artist). The fact that Adam had a lot of valuable things to say meant that the producers were lucky, not smart. In the context of who has been chosen to mentor in the past, he is absolutely a suspect choice that reeks of Idol still trying to push him as the guy-who-should-have-won.

That said, frankly, this is what they should always have been looking for in a mentor: someone who is not necessarily the biggest name but who has been in the trenches and who is unafraid to give actual advice, which has been the downfall of most mentors to date. Worrying more about how you’re going to look should not outweigh mentorship duties. It would make a more interesting show.

This is what I’m talking about when I say that I enjoy reality shows that show process as much as product. I’m talking about things like Top Chef or Project Runway, where we get to see how the contestants arrive at what they present us with. That’s what I’m looking for out of these mentorship segments—a glimpse into the artistic process, not a celebrity getting a few more minutes of exposure.

Also, when I heard Adam say the word “authentic” I truly wondered if he’d been given a script of the catchphrases of Season Nine.

On with the show, where we get to hear the top nine (again) take on Elvis.

Andrew Garcia, “Hound Dog”

Adam straight up calls him boring in the mentor session, but Andrew doesn’t do anything to fix this. I think he just doesn’t know how.

I wouldn’t say this is Andrew’s worst performance, but it was definitely the worst of the night. When it’s suggested that you make your performance more exciting, you don’t slow it down and add some faux swagger. That just makes it awkward. Vocally, he’s always been average, and when he doesn’t bring anything like innovation or musicality to the table, that lands him at the bottom.

Aaron Kelly, “Blue Suede Shoes”

What a strange, awkward choice of song for him. Vocally he’s flat almost all the way through, and his stage presence is…awkward. I actually kind of like the way he swings it in the middle, but overall…no. Sorry. (And maybe it’s just me, but when they show Adam in the audience he looks more like he’s grimacing than smiling.)

Katie Stevens, “Baby What Do You Want Me to Do”

Vocally this is actually pretty good, as long as I’m not actually watching it. When I’m watching it, it all just seems so overwrought. Maybe my second favourite vocal out of her (though when I’m talking about Katie, favourite might not be the word I’m looking for). This likely isn’t going to send her home, especially since the judges liked it.

Michael Lynche, “In the Ghetto”

Adam tells him to be more theatrical, and I want to just reach through the television and grab his collar and say, “Do not tell him to be more theatrical, Adam! You do not know what you are unleashing.” Adam hears him say “theatrical” and obviously thinks it means the same thing it meant when they said it to him. It doesn’t.

The performance, though, is actually restrained and heartfelt. Vocally I think it’s really good, and I wasn’t uncomfortable watching it, which I don’t say about Big Mike often. However he came about choosing it, it felt like the right choice for him tonight.

Siobhan Magnus, “Suspicious Minds”

Adam tells her to give it some more rhythm, which actually does seem to improve the performance in rehearsal but it doesn’t seem to make it onto the stage. I love her voice (always), and I think she’s such an interesting performer and person, but I want to see more energy on this song. It does get going after a while, but overall it was something of a disappointment. The judges were pretty harsh, but Adam looked like he genuinely enjoyed the performance, at least.

Tim Urban, “Can’t Help Falling in Love”

I know, right? Tim Urban this high again? Tim Urban above Siobhan? Maybe he was just fooling us all in the first few rounds, seeing how long he could get by on just a pretty smile and a good attitude. (The answer is: way further than you’d think.)

Adam encourages him to use his falsetto, advice which Tim wisely does not follow, much to the entire viewing public’s relief. I know Adam hasn’t had time to watch the show, but someone should play Apologize for him one of these days. And Tim’s performance is…good. Once again it’s a clever and not demanding song choice, and he doesn’t try to do anything with it that’s outside of his abilities. But the simple arrangement isn’t just good for Tim, it’s also good for the song.

Casey James, “Lawdy Miss Clawdy”

Adam just said “climax” to Casey. The show is now complete. Okay, yeah, I’m shallow as fuck sometimes.

My feed cuts up all over the place on this one, but what I did hear, I enjoyed. It seemed fairly ordinary, though. It was a typical Casey performance, not at the level of last week. A typical Casey performance, however, is usually my cuppa, so that’s fine with me.

Crystal Bowersox, “Saved”

I really like Crystal when she digs into gospel-inspired stuff, and I like that she went with upbeat tonight. It was nice to start out with something with so much personality, and I thought she was really engaging and had a lot of energy. Something was slightly off for me, though, and she got a little shouty at times. So maybe not one of my favourite Crystal performances, but still a strong performance compared to her competition.

The bedazzled guitar banter after her performance seemed like kind of a pandering moment to me, but it was cute.

Lee DeWyze, “A Little Less Conversation”

Adam’s advice to him was that he needed to perform, that you need to do more on stage than you do in the studio, which is what people have been saying all along and which is advice that Lee really needs to hear. Thankfully, he listens, and while performance-wise he still has some growth to do, tonight Lee took a giant step forward. The song choice and arrangement were both great, and he pretty much owned it.

After last week, Lee really, really needed to do that.

Also on American Idol tonight: Ryan makes an inappropriate Brian Dunkleman joke (seriously, do most people watching even remember who he is anymore?) and an even more inappropriate blowjob joke in front of Adam Lambert’s mother. That about sums up the show.

Assuming they’re going to do a bottom three this time, I’m calling Andrew, Aaron and Siobhan. I don’t want Siobhan in the bottom three and don’t think she deserves it, but I have a feeling. She’s not going anywhere, though. Andrew’s going first, then Aaron. If they end up with an extra person in the bottom, on account of knocking two of them out, I’m calling Katie.

Every time this show starts I just want to skip the first ten minutes, the dramatic introduction and the judges’ entrance and the segment that introduces the theme of the night. But there are two things I want to mention tonight. Thing the first—No pressure at all contestants, you just need to not suck tonight because if you suck tonight you won’t make it on tour and you lose out on a huge opportunity. Thanks, Randy, for making sure they all know that.

Thing the second—I’m pretty sure Simon made a No Boundaries joke to Kara. No Boundaries jokes will never get old.

I still can’t get over the fact that the mentor is Miley Cyrus. Miley. Cyrus.

All right, second verse, same as the first—from least favourite to favourite performance of the night:

[ And I should add, thank you @EWMichaelSlezak, for always having a handy list of song choices available so quickly after the show so I can steal them from you and skimp on my own research ]

Paige Miles: Phil Collins’ “Against All Odds (Take a Look at Me Now)”

Dear Paige: If Miley thinks you’re pitchy way back in rehearsals, you’re probably fucked.

And…she is. Holy shit this is bad. This is so bad I can’t really believe it’s happening. It’s like she spends her entire time on stage searching for these notes and she doesn’t find any of them. Not the whole time she was singing. Which, by the way, was for about a million years. Or at least that’s what it felt like.

The judges don’t sugarcoat it at all. They know she was terrible. She knows she was terrible. The audience knows she was terrible. Even her friends know she was terrible. Kara calls it possibly the worst vocal of the season. And even in a season with Tim Urban, there’s not actually any competition for that title anymore.

Katie Stevens: Fergie’s “Big Girls Don’t Cry”

For about ten seconds at the beginning of the song I think we’re seeing a whole new Katie Stevens. A Katie Stevens with potential. A Katie Stevens I don’t have to dread every week. Then the whole thing goes off pitch and my world is set to rights again. She just can’t help herself, she’s pure pageant. She has no idea how to connect with anything she performs.

The judges like her, of course. Judges, you hurt my soul.

Andrew Garcia: Marvin Gaye’s “I Heard It Through the Grapevine”

He forget the lyrics while rehearsing with Miley, and in return Miley makes him lose the guitar. That’s actually interesting. It’s possibly the first half decent advice she’s given.

But Andrew just doesn’t have a great voice. He has trouble with melody and everything he sings turns out sounding pretty much the same, and not just stylistically. His music doesn’t have any interesting dynamics at all (which I think Straight Up did, and that seems to be the thing he’s really lost.)

The judges just can’t let go of the Straight Up thing, saying he’s chasing that moment and that’s why he’s struggling, or saying that maybe they just overrated it in the first place. I don’t know how he, or they, are ever going to let it go, but they all need to. Please.

Tim Urban: Queen’s “Crazy Little Thing Called Love”

Before they go to commercial, Ryan says, “Tim takes on Queen.” Those are possibly the most horrific words I’ve ever heard.

Oh Miley, don’t encourage him to belt or do riffs. That is such a bad idea.

At least he’s singing this in his range. But WTF. He’s going to get through on performance, and because Paige bit it. It actually…could have been much worse.

Randy thinks the vocals were boring. They think it was amateurish and corny, really. But seriously, the audience loves him.

Aaron Kelly: Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing”

Aaron Kelly has laryngitis and tonsillitis and we learn this before he so much as says a word, so apparently they’re sympathy vote before he even opens his mouth. And they certainly hammer it home during judging afterwards too. “Aaron is sick! It’s not his fault he sucks!”

However, no matter how disdainful I am of Aaron Kelly, his little crush on Miley is kind of adorable. I’m sorry, it just is.

And it has to be said that he performs following Paige and Tim, and even I would sound pretty stellar following Paige and Tim this week, so he sounds good. His song choices is questionable warbles in what is not entirely a good way (even for a warbly genre like country), but it’s no train wreck.

The judges all like the song choice, though, so whatever. Be more cliché judges. Just try. And Ryan makes the David Archuleta comparison that we’ve all been dreading because…no.

Michael Lynche: Percy Sledge’s “When a Man Loves a Woman”

Once again, this guy is a lot easier on the ears than the eyes, and I’m not talking about his looks here. The guy the guy moves on stage just makes me un.com.for.ta.ble. The song starts out with just a piano accompaniment which I thought was awesome, but then the strings kicked in and don’t get me wrong, I love me some strings you’d better believe it, but as soon as he does that the arrangement is so predictable and cheesy. He might’ve been able to get away with that song choice if he’d done anything interesting with it but no, it’s pure cheese.

Didi Benami: Linda Ronstadt’s “You’re No Good”

Right up front, I fucking love the upright bass. That was a cool choice there. And I feel like she was connecting with the song again, though not to the extent that I did last week. Kara calls her out for playing a character on stage with this song, but that might be kind of what I liked about it. She needed to be more than that, she needed to find that thing that made it hers, but I’m not against performing like that. She was also a little pitchy, though, as Randy says (yo dawg!) and that I definitely am against.

(And less than a week after she’s gone, Simon can’t remember Lacey’s name, which is just fucked up. He’s so not even present for this anymore. And Miley looks so damn bored. Chin up, Miley, you could’ve been watching last week’s show. Then you would’ve really been bored.)

Lee Dewyze: The Box Tops’ “The Letter”

I love this arrangement. I do. And I love his voice on this. It’s not spectacular in any kind of objective way, and he keeps swallowing some of the lyric which drives me batshit, but I actually really enjoyed him, and I haven’t really been on the Lee train before now.

Which is funny, because this is the time Simon didn’t like him (though the rest of the judges were enthusiastic). Figures.

Casey James: Huey Lewis and the News’ “The Power of Love”

Casey meets Miley with, “I’m a big fan of…your dad’s,” and it’s possibly the most awesome moment of the episode. (I’m ignoring the fact that Casey likes Billy Ray Cyrus, okay? It was awesome.)

So Casey does nothing new with this song at all. Seriously, I think it’s a note-for-note arrangement of the original. But I like it. I like the little bit of bluesy tone of his voice on this. I like that he’s concentrating more on his vocal this time and not letting his guitar playing take over.

I just like what Casey does, I like his style of music and I like his voice and I think, as long as he sticks around, we’re going to see some more interesting things from him. I have faith in this.

Crystal Bowersox: Janis Joplin’s “Me and Bobby McGee”

What I love about what Crystal does is that she absolutely has a consistent style, but when it comes to the individual songs that she tackles, she changes them just enough, often in the phrasing, that she makes them her own. And I love that she has a “warm” little carpet on the stage that she and Ryan sit down on afterwards, because that moment is both awk and endearing. (Though when you frame yourself on stage like that, no matter how comfortable it makes you, it severely limits your movement.)

However. I have a feeling that if someone does something really interesting next week, Crystal may drop in my rankings (assuming she does the same thing again). It’s not that I don’t like her, and I would definitely listen to an album of Crystal songs, but I want to see some innovation. It’s possible to be innovative and still stay true to yourself. Just look at Kris Allen.

Siobhan Magnus: Stevie Wonder’s “Superstition”

Let me just get it out there: I like the wail. Call it what you like, the screech, the scream, the banshee cry, the howler monkey, whatever. I like it. I like what it does to the songs she sings, I like its style, I just like it. But she so needs to not do it next week, because she has great control over her voice and I get that it’s her thing but she needs to go a week without it.

It’s so fascinating to watch her in her interviews and then watch her on stage. She just transforms, like no other singer I remember seeing on this show.

Her performance this week is just…cool. I like the arrangement and I just like listening to her sing. I want to buy her music. And that’s what they want, right? Screw voting, what they want is for me to shell out my money, and I would.

So basically, it will be a complete shock and upset if anyone but Paige goes home this week, and I think everyone knows it. The sympathy vote is going to Aaron this week. I call Paige, Andrew and Katie for bottom three, but it’ll be Paige. That was an unprecedented disaster.

Oh, American Idol, I just don’t know how to quit you. I almost did, until I heard the mentor for this week was going to be Miley Cyrus and had an epiphany. I can enjoy the train wreck. After all, I’m not on the train, and no matter how much Ryan implies that contestants won’t just be eliminated but subsequently beheaded in the public square, really, they’re going to be all right.

Don’t get me wrong, I want Crystal and Siobhan to kick ass. But I feel better able to enjoy the ride for what it really is now.

On with the show, and welcome to the big stage! The judges’ introduction seemed relatively painless compared to the hoopla of last year. Or maybe I’m just remembering it being ridiculously dramatic because I find it so pointless to begin with. The most relevant part of the opening is that they mention the return of the dreaded Judges’ Save, which we were all kind of hoping had quietly gone away. I wonder if they can use it right now to bring back Lilly or Alex? Even Katelyn would be a blessing.

Say hi to the Rolling Stones, whose music we will soon hear desecrated. [ spoiler: I was so not wrong about that ] Ryan says they’re going to “pay tribute” to the music. I don’t think those words mean what he thinks they mean.

Let’s just cut to the chase: twelve largely boring performances. And when you can make the Motherfucking Rolling Stones boring, you know you possess (a stunning lack of) talent and good musical instincts. Frankly, my notes from this episode are pretty skimpy and consist of a lot of “Fuck. Fuck no. Stop. I hate you.” From my least favourite to my favourite:

Katie Stevens: “Wild Horses”
Dear Idol: stop showing Katie’s “fans”. Seriously. Just stop. It smacks of desperation.

She is weak, shaky, off pitch, and WHY DID YOU PICK HER OVER LILLY WTF AMERICA? That’s kind of all I have to say. It doesn’t get better. It might even get worse. She is still pageanty to the extreme and I’m not just counting the weeks, but the days minutes and seconds till she’s off that stage.

The judges, of course, like her. Judges, I hate you.

Aaron Kelly: “Angie”
Oh no. Just no. This is terrible song choice and countrified in a weak way. There is no way in which I like this performance.

The judges say pretty much the opposite of everything I did, and are therefore on crack.

Andrew Garcia: “Gimme Shelter”
Andrew’s parents interview that they thought he was going to be a custodian. Aim high! Everyone’s parents (well, almost everyone’s parents, I’m looking at you Aaron Kelly) give such unrehearsed interviews that it’s kind of awesome.

He performs without his guitar and the fact is that he’s just not a strong singer. The performance has a few moments, but he just can’t sustain anything—emotionally or musically—and he keeps going flat. Kara talks about how his performance style kind of undermines the meaning of the song, and I like that she’s having relevant things to say. I still think she’s kind of gross, but she’s showing a lot more musical knowledge than she did last year with her Aerosmith faux pas.

Lacey Brown: “Ruby Tuesday”
Lacey, aka “time to make dinner”.

Saying that this is one of her better performances—and that’s the judges, not me—is a very weak compliment. Me, I just want her to please stop. Or sing in key. Or have some presence. Or fix her phrasing and pacing issues. The strings were lovely, though (and when the accompaniment is the best thing about a performance, that’s probably not a good sign). Oh, that was not good, Lacey.

Paige Miles: “Honky Tonk Women”
I am apparently at odds with the majority of listeners, the judges, and even the reviewers I respect when I say that this was not good. I’m listening more than watching and it’s just train wreck territory for me.

The judges are making sure that we all know that she has laryngitis, but you know what? Lots of people have performed sick on Idol and they didn’t say a word about it. And if you want to hear someone giving an actual kickass performance when they have no speaking voice, go back and watch Kelly Clarkson.

Tim Urban: “Under My Thumb”
Oh my god this was so inappropriate. And of course, it was off key constantly. But…I didn’t hate that. Well, shit. It’s kind of like it was such a baffling choice of song and arrangement and performance that I was extremely entertained. And based on my newfound epiphany, that’s all I can ask for.

The judges hate it, which is both a relief and highly amusing. The one time I don’t hate Tim Urban’s performance (knowing full well that I should), the judges finally do. Well, better late than never.

Lee Dewyze: “Beast of Burden”
There’s nothing wrong with this, it’s just boring. So boring that I don’t even have much else to say about it. It’s the Rolling Stones, can someone please rock out a little? Please? He sounded fine, but I, like Ellen, just wanted more.

Casey James: “It’s All Over Now”
Apparently Casey was singing before he talked, which is adorable and was probably actually kind of creepy at the time. Look, I really like Naked Casey. I’m at peace with this. If he put out an album with the kind of music he’s clearly into, I would buy it.

I like his song choice, but then I think I would’ve liked him covering any Stones song, really. He really got into his groove with it. The judges like him, except Simon who thinks he doesn’t use the stage to do something incredible. Which no, he doesn’t, but so far I’ve been okay with that. I like his vibe.

So basically, bite me.

Michael Lynche: “Miss You”
The thing about Mike is that I enjoy listening to him a lot more if I’m not watching. He got a little out of breath during that performance, but in spite of that I liked it, and I liked the arrangement. My god, he really is huge. He’s huge like Kris is small—you don’t notice so much until he’s standing next to someone average.

Kara thinks he was hot on stage, but frankly that’s the one thing he was not. Someone, please work on that with him.

Didi Benami: “Play With Fire”
She’s singing without her guitar, which I’m initially unsure of because she’s done so much better with it so far. She looks super hot, though, and I’m not above being a little shallow sometimes. The thing about this performance is that she seems to really connect with this song, and that does matter.

She interviews a little about her song choice, and how she may seem very sweet but she’s been in LA for a while and you have to be a little tough to make it there. I usually don’t pay much attention to those post-performance interviews, but I think she came off really well there.

Crystal Bowersox: “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”
Now that I know something about Crystal and her pre-Idol songwriting, it’s super interesting to me that her mother isn’t even mentioned in her pre-performance family package. (For those who go boldly forward without this knowledge—though seriously, if you can track them down her pre-Idol stuff is really good—she and her mother clearly had a turbulent relationship.

Honestly, I just love to hear her perform. I could listen to her all night. I don’t think this was necessarily her best, but that still puts her head and shoulders above most of the rest of the pack. And the judges agree.

Siobhan Magnus: “Paint It Black”
Yes, I heard The Note. We all heard The Note. But in spite of that, she was hands-down my favourite performance of the night. She was just about the only one who took an interesting risk with her song arrangement and pulled it off. (And setting aside all criticism of the conflicting advice from the judges, when it comes down to it you can do whatever you want as long as you do it well.) I honestly wasn’t sure what to make of it at first, but much like Adam’s “Ring of Fire” it really stayed with me and I’ve listened to the studio version many times since.

Also like Ring of Fire, I think this song is going to be polarizing among viewers of the show. This is the point at which you decide whether you love her or hate her.

And that wraps up the show. For bottom three, I call Aaron, Lacey and Paige, because I think Andrew’s going to make top ten. And despite the fact that she wasn’t my worst of the night, I call Lacey for the boot.

Because I participated in a pre-watch poll with a bunch of my friends, even though I’m writing this long after I’ve learned the results I can say with proof to back me up that I did call Lacey’s ouster. (Along with half the other people who participated but, well, it wasn’t exactly a shocker.)

Actually, let me just recap the results show right here, since I’m so last minute with this anyway:
David Cook – schooled these youngsters in every way possible
Orianthi – played guitar well
Kesha – was not only bad but offensive
Everything else – was filler
Lacey, Paige and Tim – were the bottom three
Lacey – was sent home