Random quotes from work today:
“The fungus invades the fetus and red or white ringworm-like lesions can be seen in the fetal skin. If the fetus remains in the uterus for any length of time after death, postmortem degeneration will hide the lesions.”
“Some calves have an inherent ability to shoot a pressurized line of watery manure in an impressive bow without seeming to soil either their tail or the surrounding area.”
“There is as much information in a cow�s ass as there is in your average encyclopedia.”
I love my job. Yeah, uh huh, I do. Really. Ugh.
Taking a few minutes away from work before I bust something. Believe me, a few minutes of me-time makes for a much more productive afternoon in the long run. Whenever I start to feel like I can’t sit here for another moment without throwing something, it’s time for a break.
At least there was some amusement this morning as I was racing through the light articles. Sometimes I don’t think the columnists actually read the words they’ve written. Either that, or none of them have much of a dirty mind, which I find hard to believe. Even the purest of people understand innuendo, they just tend to blush at it rather than laugh heartily. The passage in question is this: “… Just once I complained about having no leg room, and somebody offered this solution: “Eat yourself out.” So I do.”
Come on, you can’t tell me it’s just me. I left it verbatim, by the way.
The editor is being the biggest pain in the ass today. I can’t even really express the assitude. He doesn’t come into the office, he doesn’t know what’s going on, and he thinks he’s way more efficient than he really is. Here we are right up against a deadline and we’re out of copy and he’s saying that we should be fine, that we should have plenty. Well, no. No, we really, really don’t. I’m not quite sure how many more different ways I can tell him this. And yet he insists that his work is done.
If only it was appropriate to slap your editors upside the head.
Huh. Maybe that’s why he never comes into the office. There would be a line.
Okay, so in my of my porn-seeking ventures on the internet, I come across a site of masturbation stories. Now, I know people like to get creative and all, but some things are excessive. And some things I just never. want to read. again.
For instance, some inauspicious beginnings:
“What you need is a horizontal pole about 1.5 meters off the ground and a computer … ”
“I tried using an orbital sander … ”
“Gather a bunch of meat from the grocery store … ”
“I place my nuts on the sink counter … ”
“Get a can of Spam, take the whole block out … ”
Also? Masturbating with shotgun shells can’t be healthy. And guys, if you want to masturbate in pantyhose, that’s great, but for god’s sake get your own.