Strangely Socialised

I really should have updated before now but I never seemed to make time for it. There was always something else I should have been doing, even if I wasn’t doing it right at that moment. I’ve lost momentum on the packing, but hopefully that’ll pick up again once I have more furniture. What furniture I can fit in here, at any rate.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Arrived in Toronto the morning of July 3, a Saturday, after just over two days on the road. I made great time, even though I was driving a hulking brute of a truck the whole way. The weather was gorgeous and the drive was much easier than I thought it would be, even navigating in the cities. I was just thinking about it and I was driving about 12 hours a day and haven’t the faintest idea what I was thinking about that entire time. The scenery around the lakes is gorgeous, though, and I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. Okay, maybe for the world. Took a few pictures, but not as many as I would have liked.

And so I’ve been here just shy of a week and I’m starting to get used to the place. I know where the grocery store is and where to get the best Thai takeout and the people at the Canadian Tire at Church and Yonge probably know me on sight now. The rain finally let up long enough for me to paint one of the walls in my living room green, and it’s gorgeous. Probably could’ve used a third coat of paint to smooth it out, and I need to do touch-ups along the ceiling, but I love it a lot. Sunlit Forest, it’s called, and wouldn’t you know it, it’s actually an appropriate name.

TV being delivered Monday, IKEA order for a shitload more storage going in tomorrow, hopefully, and maybe I’ll even get out and have some fun.

The hell? No, seriously, the hell? It’s been freezing cold in Winnipeg up until today. And by freezing, I mean actually freezing, frost and snow warnings in the middle of June when it’s supposed to be high summer.

So today and tomorrow, the two days when I’m manically packing everything I own to move to Toronto, working up an obscene sweat, it’s 29 and 31 respectively. The hell? How is this fair? And the icing on the cake, it’s unseasonably cool in Toronto right now.

Packing, packing, packing, should’ve been done yesterday but it was easier to slack and do a bit at a time and… ugh. I don’t want to be doing this. And then, and then, U-Haul calls and said they’re running about a day behind on truck rentals. Which is… ARGH. Need that truck. I can wait a day if I have to, but really, this whole thing is planned out and I don’t really want to be arriving in to Toronto on a Saturday and the people who can help me will be there on Friday and… okay, that’s the last and.

Said goodbye to mom today, which was rough but not as rough as it would have been if I hadn’t been so busy and tired and we’d given ourselves time to get emotional about it. I cried a little, though, and I know she did too when they left.

Found out my cousin is in methadone treatments for heroin addiction, which is about as far from a surprise as you can get, really, but… well, actually, I was a little surprised to hear that he was in treatment and trying to find a job, not that he was a heroin addict. That makes, what, four, five, ten recovering addicts in the family? And that’s just the ones recovering.

So of course I just lit a joint.

Another week of work and then I’m through here, which is somewhat incomprehensible because I can’t imagine not being here. It’s the longest I’ve ever stayed at one job and it became too much a part of me, I think. Too much a part of me for something that stopped being challenging a long time ago. I guess I just needed easy at the time, to get the rest of my life sorted out, and it was splendid for that.

Another week and a half, a little more, and I’m on the road east, heading for something that won’t be at all what I’m imagining. If it was what I’m imagining, there probably wouldn’t be as much point to doing it. I have it in my head the circumstances that would make me happy, but I think the truth may be more that finding something unexpected and new is what will really make me happy.

I miss creating things, I think I’m realising. There’s always a joy and satisfaction in having made something, a picture or a story or something else. I’ve been going through the motions for two long, and everything inside me says that I need to sink both hands in and stop being afraid. I’m not even sure what I’m afraid of.

Lots to talk about, the trip to TO, the move, the everything falling into place and new job and everything.

But was told today that dad’s brain tumor is regrowing. And yeah, that’s that.

Was it really almost two weeks ago that I went for that walk? I suppose it was, now that I think about it. Last weekend was the late-night movie, so it had to be before that. I wanted to go for another walk tonight but there were so many people about and what I really wanted was just to be alone. What I did do was drop off my taxes a day late, because I suck. Even though I did them a couple months ago, I never got around to confirming the numbers and dropping the damn thing off. Should be getting about $600 back, which will go right into the moving kitty.

Plans are solidifying for the move. I’ve submitted a sublet form for the end of June and hopefully the building will find a tenant so I don’t have to. Most of the people who need to know I’m leaving now know, with the exception of work and Shoestring. Work will get their two weeks’ notice after my vacation. Shoestring will find out a about a week before that, once the performance is done. I figure there’s no point in getting people thinking about it while they should be concentrating on the play.

Class was good, as always, on Wednesday. Well, I’m never sure that “good” is the right way to put it, but it went well and there were no problems and that’s good, right? Me and Gerri spend a bit of time after class talking about one of the students. It’s clear to everyone that this student is far too advanced to be in such a foundations level class, but he’s comfortable there and so for the time being they let him stay. What I was told was that he’d been through some trauma in Iraq before escaping to Canada, which is why they let him remain in a class where he’s comfortable. Apparently he’d been in class the year before and they’d had to kick him out for being so disruptive. He’s much better now, but he can’t hold a job and this class is pretty much his only social activity away from his wife. I get along with him and he responds well to me (I understand he refuses to do activities or assignments for other people) but Gerri wanted to let me in on his background so if anything surprising or disruptive ever happened, I would be prepared to handle it.

I don’t even want to think about what he might have gone through before coming here. He’s a good guy, he really is, but her telling me all that didn’t really surprise me, based on his behaviour since joining the class.

I went through a bunch of papers today, even though I didn’t technically finish packing any boxes. I’m getting somewhere with the packing and organizing, and keep coming across things I could bear to get rid of. The more I get rid of before I go, the better. If I didn’t love my futon so much, I’d get rid of it, too. I’m already dropping all my bedroom furniture, and most of my bookcases (more cheaply replaced than transported).

But not my books. “Why would anyone want to sell their books?” –Gil Grissom

Got a payout from my old pension plan today, which I was expecting. Not much, in the grand scheme of things, but enough to change everything for me. Three thousand nine hundred and thirty dollars and seventy-six cents. I didn’t really know exactly how much it would be. I didn’t know how much would be withheld for taxes. I didn’t think it was going to be this much.

I just took the cheque out of my bag, just to look at it one more time before I deposit it in the morning. Three thousand nine hundred and thirty dollars and seventy-six cents. I don’t think I’ve had that much money all at one time in my entire life. I was always thrilled when I made it into four digits at all.

Three thousand nine hundred and thirty dollars and seventy-six cents.

I’m being annoyed all too often lately by the “my problems are worse than yours” game. There are some people, friends, who I can’t even talk to when I’m upset anymore, because I know they won’t be supportive in any way — whether it’s being sympathetic, or making me get over myself — they’ll just interrupt with how whatever’s going on in their life is worse. Without even knowing the details of what’s going on in mine. Without caring to know. Because nothing I am saying could possibly be any worse than whatever little drama they have going on.

It’s exhausting, and it’s exhausting at a time when I don’t really have much energy to give. People handle things in different ways, I know, and generally I respect that and handle it fine, but it’s hard to respect it when people need to hurt others to make themselves feel more important.

Plans continue for moving abroad, somewhat. Since it’s not going to happen until the new year, I’m in a bit of a holding pattern right now. It’s too early to apply for jobs — maybe in a month or two — so I’m just continuing on with what I’m doing right now. I’m going to have to move at the end of November, for just a month or two, which is going to be a pain in the ass. But I can just get myself a cheapass bachelor for that period of time, and move the rest of my stuff to my brother and sister-in-law’s where they’ve offered to store it for me. I should probably start at least going through my things, figuring out what I’ll want to take with me and what I won’t, stuff like that.

It’s just about firmly Korea now, though I have my eye on other options. But the big thing is, for the first year, I really need to be somewhere I can save some money. And basically, that’s Korea. I’m looking forward to it, though. I think it’s going to be a really interesting year.

So two big things going on in my life right now, one probably bigger than the other but both of which I’m very, very excited about.

First of all, after years of vaguely thinking about it and a few weeks/months of seriously thinking about it, I’m going to go overseas to teach later this year. I’ve started on the preliminary stuff right now, foremost of which is getting my passport renewed and deciding where I want to go.

The plan right now is, spend the first year in Korea or China. Why? First of all, they don’t require formal TEFL training, which is hard for me to come by while still working full-time here. Second of all, they tend to include accommodations and airfare and other perks, which means less money for me to put up up front just to get myself there. And third, I lived in the Philippines for a year, so I have some experience in that area of the world, know what to expect from culture shock, that sort of thing. It seems the best choice, and it should allow me to save up a significant amount of money.

After a year of that, the plan is to take one of the TEFL programs offered in Prague, because my real goal is to end up in eastern Europe. At that point, I should have the money saved up to do it, and to take care of myself for a while before I find a position. I have my eye on Krakow, Poland, but I know I need the formal training first plus at least a year of experience.

So that’s what I’m working towards right now, but first thing’s first. Passport, and find an agency or job.

The second big thing going on in my life is a web magazine that a friend of mine is going to be launching, called Dykeadelic, and I’m now on staff and helping get the project off the ground. I won’t say too much about it now, but I’m really excited about the whole thing.

My mom called me at work today to tell me that my brother’s moving. To Boissevain. Because his wife got transferred. And while it’s not that far away from the town we grew up in, it still seems strange. We moved there in 1989 and he hasn’t left since. He never went away to school. The most he did was move out of mom’s house into one of his own, and then got married and moved next door (not necessarily in that order). He’s worked in the same place, on and off, in different positions, for about ten years now.

It must feel strange for him, for it all to be changing. Me, I move once a year, just about. Moved to the city, then back home, then back again. Have lived in a half dozen different places in the city, houses, apartments, with roommates and without. Change is second nature to me. We’re very, very different that way.

Now, we’re not close. Which is not to say we don’t get along because we do, quite well. But we never really became friends. I’d lie down on train tracks for him and have faith he’d so the same, but the only time we ever talk is when we get together at mom’s place when I go out there to visit.

That said, I worry that I won’t see him as much now — little as it already is — if he’s out of town like that. If I go to visit my mom for the weekend, he won’t be around to just drop by for dinner. And I’ve never once gone to just visit him, nor he me, not in all the time since we’ve left home. Maybe that’s a little weird, I don’t know, that’s just the way it’s been.

I’ll miss him.

He needs to get email.