Strangely Socialised

They begin with a montage of renditions of Pants on the Ground, and this show already feels like damage control. Show, maybe if you’d actually shown us something entertaining instead of a bunch of gimmicks, we’d be interested in some of the actual contestants.

I thought they were then going to move into a discussion of song selection, which would have been interesting, but no. It’s just a set-up so that Jessica Furney can come in and sing the song that Simon co-wrote. Oddly, I remember her from Season 8, though I don’t know why. I think I liked her? (I have a terrible memory when it comes to this stuff, which is why this is meaningful. And frankly why I’m keeping recaps at all.)

[ O hai bb Kris in the background! Catching glimpses of you might be the only thing that gets me through this episode. For the love of God, AI, don't teach people how to use gimmicks to get attention. We see enough of that already. ]

Amanda Sssssomething (They’re flashing on the screen too fast for me to type) comes in and sings and wow, I hate her voice. I guess it’s just a personal thing, but it’s shrill and lacking something. And then she begs them to put her through, and that’s just awkward. They do, of course, and Simon reclaims his title as Chief Douche. It was definitely threatened by some of the epic trolls this season but Simon, you still top them all.

[ I'd apologize for giving you that mental image, but I'm not sorry. ]

Lee DeWyze sings Ain’t No Sunshine and the only thing I wrote is “That’s Kris Allen’s song, bitch, sorry.” which I interpret to mean he didn’t suck, but I wasn’t particularly impressed. Then we have Crystal Bowersox and…I don’t know about her. I think I like her voice, but I wanted to hear a different song. Janis Joplin just owns that one, sorry.

They do a montage of golden ticket fake-outs and ugh, I am just so not interested. I feel like this episode is such a waste of my time already. Why do I care about this? (Though I bet Simon Cowell does have tantrums halfway through. I bet I would, too.)

And then we have some people who thought they’d be remembered. I don’t care about them either. They’re taking valuable time away from someone even remotely interesting. And I watched last year last year, I don’t need you to show it to me again.

Lacey Brown made the top 50 last year, and then lost out to Megan Joy in the chair episode. The best part about this bit was seeing Megan Joy. I love you, girl! I don’t love Lacey yet, but I don’t hate her so we’ll see.

Stephanie Fisher cannot sing to save her life, but has tried out for idol seven times now, apparently. Girl, focus your attention elsewhere. I’m not saying this as a favour to you. I’m saying this because you are a waste of my time. I did like that she refused to stick around for the vote, though. SCORNED.

Honestly, I actually had high hopes for this episode. God knows why. Apparently, despite my rage issues, I am an eternal optimist.

This part of me is killed when they do a tribute to freshly minted sixteen-year-olds. Mostly what I got out of that bit was this:

ICU little sixteen year old boy who wants to be Adam!
Joe Jonas gave an actual facial expression for Rachel Hubbard!
Thaddeus somthi– HI, NPH HI!
Genesis Moore is assaulting my ears and I bet she’s going through.

And as if that wasn’t bad enough, it’s followed by a tribute to athletic competitors. Because athletes know better than anyone else what it is to be competitive. It’s not like there are any other competitive things in life.

Adrian is 6’8″ and sounds like a little girl, and you know he got through just for that. My God, must you, show? Sometimes you need to resist your impulses.

[ I'm bored and making dinner by this point, so I think I missed something here. Probably for the best. ]

Michael Lynche is a personal trainer and he’s big and I think he’s another gimmick until he opens his mouth and oh, he can saaang. I like him. (And he’s got a baby on the way, because come on, they have a quota here, no baby no golden ticket.)

Didi Benami is our next sob story, auditioning in memory of her best friend. And okay, I don’t have a heart of stone, this story actually did get to me a little. Shut up, what are you staring at? She sings Hey Jude (Kriiiiis), and I love her voice. Want to see more of her! Have a sinking feeling I won’t.

I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to like Aaron Kelly. I don’t. Especially on the heels of the last audition, he comes off as rehearsed and manipulative. He sings okay, and if he wasn’t singing Miley Cyrus I might even appreciate it more. But then he says “I might be a role model some day to kids everywhere” and motherfucking NO. Hells no. If we didn’t already call Bieber the fetus, I’d save it for this guy. Fetus 2.0. (Actually, Bieber seems all right in comparison….)

It’s too bad Kimberly Bishop thinks that a good heart is all it takes to be a good singer. Unfortunately for her, it also takes a good voice. She sings Katy Perry’s abhorrent song “I Kissed a Girl” (I hate myself a little more every time it gets stuck in my head) and it’s bizarre and so bad it’s mesmerizing. And is she high? I think she’s high. Simon says “She’d be fun on a date” and cements his douche crown on.

Shaddail Harris sucks. Missed her story, don’t care.

WHY ARE WE SEEING MORE BAD AUDITIONS? WHY? WHAT’S THE POINT OF THIS? I HATE YOU SO MUCH, AMERICAN IDOL, I HATE YOU FOR THE WASTE OF MY LIFE THAT WAS THIS EPISODE. WHAT ARE YOU EVEN THINKING? ARE YOU HIGH? ARE YOU STRUNG OUT? DO YOU THINK ASSAULTING YOUR AUDIENCE IS ENTERTAINING? OH MY GOD I HATE YOU SO MUCH MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE.

*ahem*

One more audition, after another waste of time that I refuse to recap. Hope Johnson grew up poor, but she sure has nice clothes, hair and make-up. At least she seems more sincere than Fetus 2.0, though that doesn’t take much. Her voice seems kind of laid back and she’s not-annoying cute when she’s excited.

AND THANK THE SWEET BABY JESUS IT’S OVER.

181 people are going to Hollywood. 24 will come out alive.

I need to tell you something. I am so ready for Hollywood week. So ready. Hollywood week never fails to be epic.

But we’re not in Hollywood yet, we’re in Denver, which is ostensibly the last audition city but they’ve also cobbled together a “best of the rest” show for tomorrow night, that I presume will highlight a few people that unexpectedly did well in Hollywood so they need to pretend like they liked them all along. (Dare I hope that means tomorrow night will be filled with the good auditions?)

And we have Posh again, because she doesn’t actually do anything else and is thus always available.

[ Daughtry :| ]

First up is Mark Labriola, who apparently is told on a daily basis that he looks like Jack Black. He does not. Only when he makes that weird bug-eyed expression. (Note to Mark: don’t do that.) This guy came in with the craziest story ever: apparently he was kidnapped by his mom for six years when he was four? He’s smiling and laughing the whole time he’s telling it so I have no idea what to make of it. Is it legit? Is it a crock? Honestly, I think I believe it, if only because that’s how I would tell that story if it was mine. Anyway, he’s good and I kind of like him. And his kid is adorable. Which shouldn’t be a factor in judging but it so, so is this year.

Following is Mario Galvan, who has an annoying little nervous laugh that Simon thought it would be hilarious to imitate. It’s not. He performs Elvis, and he’s average, which is not something you see a lot on these audition shows. Either you’re good, or you’re a joke. He’s neither. And thus he does not go through. I’m surprised he got here at all.

Then I discover my Life Theme Song: “I Hate Everyone”, which the use for a bitter rejectees montage. I think this might be my favourite part of the show.

I am so over children. Thank you, AI. Seriously, you’d think this show was about the children, the number of them they’ve showed at this point.

Which leads us into single mom Kimberly Kerbow singing “The Way I Am”. And she’s good, but it’s like an inflection for inflection imitation of the original. And the banter between her and Simon about Rogaine is just awkward. I’m not sorry to see her go through, but if she doesn’t bring something new and interesting she’s going to be gone fast.

Following Kimberley we have a bona fide “yes” montage, which is certainly better than a lot of the alternatives. But could we not possibly hear some of them sing?

[ More. Children. I wish I was joking. ]

Danelle Hayes is a karaoke host and singer in a cover band, and from the moment she arrives she’s crying about how hard the business is. And I’m sure she’s a little stressed and feeling the pressure of maybe getting a big break, but lots of people have much harder lives. And struggling for just two years doing something you love? I’m not as sympathetic as you want me to be. Still, I like the tone of her voice, and I think she could do some things that I like.

[ Seriously, everyone going to Hollywood has kids. They're going to need a freaking daycare this year. ]

Montage of costumes. Some of them outrageous. Some of them interesting. Some of them…boots? One of these things is not like the others. Cowboy boots and hot dog costumes are not in the same league.

Casey James shows up with a sob story about how he was in a motorcycle accident and had compound fractures and was told he might never play the guitar again. And I’m as impatient as I ever am with the relentless sob stories, but this one is at least relevant to the playing of music. The mixed reviews were interesting…and then they utterly objectified him. Which he seemed to be a willing participant in, but it had a skeevy casting couch vibe. “Sure you can go to Hollywood…if you take your shirt off.” And the thing is, I liked his voice and though it had potential if he brought a bit of personality to it. Even with his shirt on.

More motherfucking children. But at least they aren’t hers this time. Tori Kelly is sixteen and looks at least ten years older than that, and her… sister? Cousin? Family friend? I’m not entirely clear on this… named Hope brings in drawings for all of the judges. Okay then. At least they’re sweet about it. I’m not really into Tori’s voice but I’m sure they’re putting her through. She does about a second and a half in her lower register that I think is lovely and wish she would have done more.

If you’ve gotten the sense, over the past three weeks, that I like people singing in their lower registers…okay, I haven’t exactly been subtle. I own it. It’s my thing.

We’re over halfway through the show and they haven’t shown us a bona fide bad audition yet. I’m suddenly kind of dreading the second half the show. And we haven’t had the montage of tears yet! God help me, I’ve started to look forward to it. Is this how Stockholm Syndrome starts?

And yes, here it comes. Austin Paul is a football player and music composition student and he thinks he’s awesome. Like, really awesome. Super awesome. [Spoiler: he's not.] The judges actually call him on that cockiness, which was nice. (Okay, it was emotionally satisfying for me. I may or may not have issues dating back to high school. Moving on.)

He wasn’t a train wreck, though. I’m waiting for the train wrecks.

I don’t have to wait much longer. Kenny Everett comes in and he sings like his voice is in a blender. I’ve never heard anything quite like it, which is saying a lot because I’ve been watching this show for a long time. And as much as I want to say that people need to just not sing again after getting a no, ever, the truth is that they need to stop letting people carry on. It’s not entertaining me. Make a note.

In Kenny’s wake is a montage of bad singers, and to be honest I prefer this portion of the show in the form of a montage. Bad singers combined with the montage of tears. Seriously, this is how to do this shit.

Nicci Nix (I don’t think I caught that name right, but streams don’t have a rewind button) flew her from Florence, Italy for this audition. First of all, are you kidding me? Second of all, how did that work? How did she make it to the other auditions? Was she already in Denver? Did she fly back and forth three times? And what about residency and citizenship? Dual, I’m assuming, or is she even eligible?

Am I thinking too much about logistics in the face of a sweet girl with a helium voice who obviously makes good TV?

Her singing voice is much more pleasant than her speaking voice – unspectacular but so much easier to listen to that of course they’re going to let her through. (And when Posh followed up Simon’s dry comment on her singing the best lyrics ever with “Better than zig-a-zig-ha?” I legit cracked up.) She’s kind of adorable, really, and I predict a Hollywood meltdown.

We finish (almost!) with another sob story. And a truly, truly unnecessary one, about being born tiny and premature. (Also, hearing her birthdate made me feel old old old and I’m not telling you why.) Haeley Vaughn is interesting – she wants to be the first black pop-country singer to top the charts. And sure enough, she comes in and sings and she’s country, through and through. I didn’t expect to like her, but I do. (And I suddenly like the judges for actually offering legitimate singing advice and suggesting she sing more in her lower register. Ha! Vindicated!) They didn’t need to lead off with that baby story, it was completely unnecessary.

And now our last last audition is…bikini boy. IDGAF that the whole thing is set up and scripted, I love him anyway. He doesn’t break character, not once. It’s awesome.

“They’re coming back, right?”

Lordy I hope not. I’m ready for this phase of the competition to be over.

So for once the show was good-audition-heavy and it still came off flat. There’s got to be a better way to do this. Onward and upward, one more show before Hollywood.

I finally sat through the opening credits of this episode of AI and spotted Kris Allen singing in the background. Yay! I hope this is not the highlight of my night. I fear it will be.

No, wait! This is the episode with Neil Patrick Harris! Who wants to make people cry! Oh, this may prove to be awesome now.

Julie Somethingididntwritedown auditioned way back in Season 1. (Which I watched. Don’t judge me. Or calculate how old I am.) She was…not good. But it’s eight seasons later and a lot can happen in eight years. Including singing lessons. However, I am not holding my breath. Sadly, it is better than the first time she auditioned, and it’s still a little (lot) painful.

Then they show some golden ticket holders screaming. I don’t want to see the golden ticket holders screaming. I want to hear them singing.

Here’s something that perplexes me. During Lloyd Thomas’s segment, I cannot for the life of me figure out whether he’s getting the good or the bad edit. Some of it is lulzy. Some of it is about overcoming hardship. Some of it is about his children. It is disconcerting when I cannot predict the judges’ reaction before seeing the performance! Turns out he’s good, though. He’s got a very smooth voice, but I don’t think he’s going to hold my interest long unless he brings…something.

[ Tonight's standoff is an obvious response to last night's catfight. I don't know how I'm feeling about this, other than decrying the sexist stereotypes. ]

What is with all the original songs this year? Kimberly Carver comes in singing an original song, which is good…ish. Her voice is a lot stronger than the song, and I think she’ll be able to do interesting things with it if she makes it far in Hollywood. She had this really positive, motivated attitude without being obnoxious.

Dexter Ward really, really thinks he’s awesome. Super, super awesome. And you know what? I bet he’s awesome at something. He seems kind of awesome. Just…not at singing. Dude was totally classy about it, though. He’s maybe the first person I actually felt bad for when he didn’t get through.

The montage of tears comes early in this episode. Or maybe it just feels early because I was also making myself pizza and the time’s just flying by.

In comes Erica Rhodes, who was a Barney kid. I’m way too old to have ever watched, not even high. (Please, again, do not do that math.) And the best thing about her is that she comes into her audition with a whip. And she is asked to sing the Barney theme song while holding it. It might’ve been truly, truly tacky except that I kind of like her, and the way she pulled it off was awesome. She’s sweet, and talented.

This might sound weird, but stay with me on this. I think she is the contestant most like Adam this season, not because she is obviously like him, but because she is obviously like herself. She comes in and she’s sweet and humble and talented and a little edgy too, and willing to put herself out there. (ETA: Hey, don’t put words in my mouth, I didn’t say she was AS talented. I was talking about juxtaposition of sweetness and actual performance dress-up and a voice that’s not a joke. You can play at a character without being ridiculous about it.)

[ I notice at this point that day one is getting far more than half the show. More Neil Patrick Harris is a good thing. ]

But then we get our requisite sob story. Dave Pittman, from Arkansas, or thanks to this intro forever to be known as “Tourette’s guy”, which is the danger of using this kind of backstory to get ahead. Though I felt a little bit like they were exploiting his story without him being entirely complicit, and he only brought it up because it was something that was visible. Anyway, he was not bad. (And do all guys from Arkansas so that jaw thing when they sing? LOL.)

Day two. Joe Jonas. Oh. [Spoiler: he won't be that annoying because he does nothing at all.]

Todrick Hall comes in and sings an original song…about himself. Oh, you would not believe the eyeroll I gave when he started up. But then he gets into it and it’s funny and clever and the boy can sing. This might be the best original song on idol since…Pants on the Ground. Obviously, he gets through.

[ And then we get clips of more golden ticket winners that we don't actually get to hear.]

Maegan Wright’s brother thinks she’s awesome. And you wouldn’t want to make Maegan’s brother cry would you, America? Would you? (I don’t think they should rely on that. Most people would totally want to make him cry, in my experience.) And she can sing, but I’m not that interested in her or her choices or her voice. I’m not excited at all.

Perky, pink Vanessa…is not the next american idol. I’m predicting it now, before she ever sings a note. And when she opens her mouth, she proves me right. Lots of power, no sense of pitch. But she remains perky! She sees the bright side in being someone’s nightmare! Seriously, I want some of what she’s on.

[ There's a Simon montage here, which at first I thought was an utter waste of my time, but it turned out to be an interesting commentary on what felt like absolute disdain for the tedious early audition process. ]

And finally we have leukemia girl. Yes, she has a name, but that seems less important to them at this point. And if I can descrie you like that before I can remember your name, that actually doesn’t bode well for you ever shaking that label. Christian Spear is good, but not good enough to get past that, if you ask me. What gets you on TV will not necessarily get you past Hollywood.

As was pointed out by Katy Perry last night (God help me, I can’t believe I’m quoting Katy Perry), everyone’s got a story. Especially on American Idol.

And that’s it for Dallas. 31 golden tickets which compared to other cities is really not a bad haul.

Next week, Denver. Where things look…about as exciting as anywhere else on this journey.

Before we begin, someone needs to tell me something. How, exactly, are we supposed to take Avril Lavigne seriously when she’s wearing a hoodie with horns? Plus, shouldn’t they be judged by people who can actually sing?

Moving on. First up we have Neil Goldstein, who allegedly has a very high IQ and clearly a very high opinion of himself. I feel Neil Goldstein needs to be hold that he’s just not that special, lots of people are geeks in the exact same way, and manage to be much more awesome. I’m all about self-esteem, but that was some serious self-delusion. He hasn’t opened his mouth to sing yet and I know he’s not getting through. Though he did sing Meatloaf, and I gotta respect that. In my own special way. Neil, you made me squirm, and not in the good way.

Following him is Jim Ranger (who Cale Mills has just tweeted about and informed me he used to play with at shows, and is from Little Rock), who is clearly going to be one of the good auditions. And after five shows, I can now safely say that “authentic” is the judging catchphrase of the season. They’re not wrong, though, that’s how he comes off. Though why they’re worried about him being able to balance his commitment to his chuch with idol commitments after everyone they sent through last year? I don’t know.

[ At this point I had to switch livestreams when it lagged out, and returned in the midst of a bad auditions montage, so I feel I didn't miss much of value. Also, Avril is actually saying marginally relevant things, but I still can't take her seriously.]

Damian is a martial artist, which he happily demonstrates for the cameras. A lot. I can’t actually tell if he’s good or terrible, but I don’t feel particularly impressed, so… Still, I had a good feeling about his audition until he demonstrated his nemesis note. OUCH. Man, and when he gets in there, this dude is so odd. SO ODD. (That is literally all I wrote about his audition in my notes. SO ODD.)

And coming up next, someone who might be “the next Adam Lambert”. Yeah, no. Let’s not go there, please? Though I did ask where the Adam and Kris imitators were so I’m guessing that’s where this is going. [Spoiler: I'm right.]

Before our inevitable Adam montage, we see Mary Powers (and her awesome 8-year-old Simon loving daughter), which you can see is a rock singer just by looking at her. Simon is right that she dresses the cliché, but she can back that shit up with her voice, so that’s okay. I like her. A lot. (And I’d do her, too, but that’s beside the point.) I can’t wait to see her in Hollywood, which is not something I’ve said often this year.

And I have to say, now that’s we’re getting some Adam clips, I hope we get some Kris clips somewhere along the line, too. But we’re in LA, I know, and this is Adamtown.

[My stream freezes again before the Adam wannabe montage, but I'm informed they included Cassidy Haley in it. Um, what? Cassidy Haley is an actual old friend of Adam's. Cassidy Haley is responsible for making Adam's epic tour jacket. Cassidy Haley is actually in some of Adam's media clips last year. Cassidy Haley is in no way an Adam imitator. And here ends my Cassidy Haley love rant. (Buy his EP on iTunes!)]

The Adam imitator they choose to showcase is AJ Mendoza. And man, I don’t know what to think of him. Somewhere in all that effort and straining is a voice that could be something. He just needs to find it and be himself.

This brings us to LA, day to, and Oh Dear God, it’s Katy Perry Day. Full disclosure: I do not like Katy Perry, and think her ‘I Kissed a Girl’ song, while catchy, is all kinds of offensive to me. The judges arrive by helicopter, and despite the theme music, there is no way in which I think of these judges as the A-team. I mean, are you fucking kidding me?

First up on Day 2 is Austin. Half an hour after the show has ended and I already forget who Austin is and what he did, so I’ll just quote my notes verbatim. “Austin, you’re already scaring me. I am, however, entertained. I can’t tell whether you’re self-aware or not. I vote yes.” So at least there’s that.

[In spite of myself, I seem to have an appreciation for Katy Perry in this venue. Eep.]

Inevitable montage of tears is inevitable, however this one they put to the tune of “I Want You To Want Me”, which makes it the best thing ever. I actually enjoyed it. This probably says more about me than I want it to. (And it has that cray cray Crying Girl in it, who manages to sob in every photo ever taken of her with any idol. And there are a lot out there. I wish I didn’t know that.)

Andrew Garcia is another parent with an adorable child (seriously, so many parents in this episode!). He’s clearly getting the ‘good’ edit. The extended good edit. The we can fill half the show with this edit. Seriously, we get it, this means a lot to him. Move on, I’d like to hear him sing. And when I do…oh, actually, I like him. I want to hear more. Huh.

Tasha Nolastnamesorry, is a personal assistant and pastor, apparently, and is singing Joss Stone which just begs for comparisons. I kind of like it, though, and I don’t know why. Just something about her voice. And her smile. Because sometimes I’m shallow.

Ew. Jason Greene. We. In the words of Mary J Blige, “I don’t get it.” I am so skeeved. He goes before the judges and sings I Touch Myself, and makes more sexually suggestive comments than you usually see in an entire season of the show. His parting words, before proceeding to give Ryan his number, are “See you next year.” And I’m sure we will.

[What have I learned from the LA auditions so far? LA is skeevy. SO SKEEVY. I seriously feel a little dirty, and much like Katy Perry said to Jason Greene, it takes a LOT to make me feel dirty. They follow this with a little 'cat fight' segment between Kara and Katy, which also made me feel dirty, in entirely different ways. Way to mine those stereotypes.]

And for the final audition they bring out Chris Golightly, the foster kid who just wants to be loved. I knew from word one they were going to miiiiiilk this one. I was actually surprised it wasn’t longer, but I guess they didn’t have any family to interview. (I am a terrible, terrible person.) His audition is a little overwrought, and needs to be toned down a litle, but I actually liked him too.

It’s funny, usually I get so bored, but I actually liked everyone they showed who made it to Hollywood this week. The episode was skeevy in general, but the people they liked, I liked.

Still wishing we got to see more of the golden ticket winners, but I guess they figure that’s what Hollywood Week is for. At least I am not unaware of being manipulated into rooting early and often.

And that’s it for tonight. See you in Dallas.

When this episode actually aired I was busy doing Very Important Thin– okay, I overslept and missed half of it. Don’t judge me and my sleep schedule. So this is actually being written after LA and Dallas. FTR and FWIW.

You know they really, really reach to add some ‘local character’ to this audition episodes. The truth is, IDGAF where the audition is taking place. (And neither do they, given the palm trees in the opening montage of the Chicago episode.) Just give me something entertaining. Telling me how these hopeful auditioners want to “launch themselves into orbit” is not entertaining, it’s painful. What’s more, I really wish some of them would.

So, Orlando. I predict When You Wish Upon a Star at some point. Of course, that’s not really a stretch.

So the female judges are on time and take a moment to bond and be charming. The male judges show up late and hungover from Miami. NGL, I’m with the men there, though really you should save the binge drinking for after you endure the auditions. But we have Kristin Chenoweth! Who is adorb.

Theo Glinton, our first of the day, kind of looks like a crazy person, in a mask and cape. Which I would actually appreciate while on a Saturday night, but not at an Idol audition. He’s shouty and a bit deluded, and they play I Feel Pretty for him. Which is…both offensive and appropriate? Anyway, stick with the hairdressing salons, Theo.

Simon just has no patience for this shit anymore. At. All. Did he ever?

[ Side note: I am so the person who would go the wrong way twelve times while trying to exit the audition room. ]

Our newest entry into the Idol world of montage, the montage of sob stories. Because there are just so many of them. A montage of sob stories makes me so. And not in the way you’re intending.

Apparently, whilst bonding Kara and Kristin have made a ‘girl power’ pact. Vomit. This isn’t a preschool playground. It’s not boys against girls. Just own your own options and don’t let your power rest in your nads, thanks.

Instead of a montage of tears right now we get a montage of nasty comments. A) Just how hung over is Simon and B) just how many horrific auditions do they get? (Don’t answer that. I know. Seems cruel to go through all that and then just not air them all.)

Apparently idol this year is all about the kids. Was it always? Usually I’m drinking while watching these early episodes. Anyway, Seth Rollins has two adorable rugrats, one of whom is autistic. And “as a man” he wants to be able to fix things for his family. Because women don’t do that kind of thing. (I think I just sprained an eye again.) However. HOWEVER. As much as I hate this stuff, he comes across as very real and not attention seeking, which I appreciate. And he has a good voice, if his performance is a little lacking in power and energy.

[ Here it is. I was waiting for it. The When You Wish Upon a Star montage. ]

Does anyone else remember when they used to show the almost-made-its during the audition rounds? When the panel was split and it went no? They just showed a montage of “sorry, but not this year” comments and the phrasing makes it sound like they were almosts, but we don’t get to see the performances. Yeah, I know, the show is manipulative like that, but they used to show some of them, didn’t they? Or is that just a dream I had once?

Anyway, the next performance we actually see is Jermaine Purifoy (and for the record, this is about the point where I woke up when this actually aired.) He’s good, and he’s got a nice smooth voice, but I’m also not into it. I can’t picture him doing anything with that voice that would be interesting to me.

And at the end of day one we have Shelby Dressel, who is paralyzed on one half of her face. She’s got a good, but not great, voice, and she gets through to Hollywood. It’s definitely a pity golden ticket, which just seems like a wast of everyone’s time. Kristin gives some good commentary here, though, saying she’s very young and has potential. They might have been doing her a favour to ask her to come back next year.

Day one brings 18 golden tickets, which now that I’ve watched most of the audition shows, seems like a big haul. And despite the “annoy simon” montage they showed early in the show, where apparently ‘girl power’ means be a giggling idiot, it feels like everyone was kind of in a good mood in orlando. There were a lot of pity tickets.

Day two starts with Jay Ston, who sings while he beatboxes. Here’s the thing. I know there’s been a lot of criticism of him not singing enough, but everything he does is in perfect time and on pitch. And I think that’s what was really interesting about him. His Ain’t No Sunshine doesn’t really compare to Kris’s, which is a strike against him, but he can sing. I don’t get the feeling he’ll make it far in Hollywood, though.

Janell Wheeler’s House of the Rising Sun is actually one of my favourite performances that I’ve heard anywhere this season. (Crossing my fingers, Janell!) I guess it’s just my kind of voice. Brittany Starr James is good, but I wasn’t really into her style. Kasi Bedford is someone I didn’t think was really good at all, which I guess is why I’m not a judge because she got through.

Cornelius Edwards comes in (this is the beauty of not watching live – I actually manage to get all the last names) and informs us that he learned to dance from strippers. Only he doesn’t say that, he sort of skirts around it, which is both cute and annoying. Also annoying, he doesn’t know the actual title of “Proud Mary”. He can sing all right, but he splits his pants during his performance and he’s definitely another pity ticket. (And the judges so legitimately lost their shit here. Which is always fun.)

Two sisters from New Jersey have apparently come to Orlando to audition. I have to admit, I don’t enjoy these sisters. They’re not terrible, but they’re not great either, and I can’t imagine them getting far in Hollywood even though they both get through. I have a weird feeling they’re going to get significant screen time in Hollywood, though, and I’m not really looking forward to that. Also, I Wanna Dance With Somebody is never a good choice of song. Ever. It wasn’t even a good choice when it was written.

Jarrod Norrell comes in and makes a joke of Amazing Grace, then he makes a joke of himself. And honestly, we’ve seen better trolls than this. I can’t imagine this wasn’t set up, and I’d bet money there’s no record of this altercation anywhere in security logs or police records. Just sayin’.

And to conclude day two, we have the redemption arc. Matthew Lawrence held up a bank with a BB gun at 15, and is looking to American Idol for his redemption. Which does not strike me as appropriate or propotional? But what do I know. He’s really got something, though, and I can picture him doing really well in country but I have no idea what he’d do with other genres. I don’t see him getting far in Hollywood unfortunately, but apparently Kara does.

And thus ends the Orlando auditions, with 31 tickets total. I’d say I have high hopes for LA, but alas, I’ve already seen it.

Apparently Chicago is a city of hoodlums, or at least that’s what American Idol seems to want me to believe. Perhaps because if they led with the lack of singing talent they found I wouldn’t have watched the rest of the hour. Better to tell me to fuck off than make me listen to you sing. (Oh, and making a comparison between contestants and Obama? Really? Nevermind the juxtaposition between that and the intro.)

We leap straight into our first sob story, about a girl who…’s parents are getting divorced? Wha? That’s a trauma now? That’s worthy of the sob edit? It’s Chicago, and you couldn’t come up with something better than that? Katelyn can sing and she’s actually kind of got an interesting voice. Nix the crap you’ve slopped on top of it and just let it shine.

Now, I’m almost certain to get some raised eyebrows and hate for this, but I kind of liked Amy. She was sassy. Maybe she went a little too far with the collapsing and all, but girl had a voice on her. Are you really the same people who let guitar girl through? Oh, but guitar girl was cute. Yeah. That’s all I’m going to say about that.

When Charity showed up to sing Summertime, the first thing I noted was “I bet they hear a lot of that,” which was confirmed by Simon about thirty seconds later. So it had to be pretty special to stand out, and I actually think that it was. She had a really pure tone in her higher register, and I don’t usually like listening to people’s higher registers, particularly women.

At this point, too, I think Shania has interesting and useful things to say. I hope this lasts. [Spoiler: It doesn't.]

Honestly, I just don’t need to see this many bad auditions. Especially not strung together in an endless screech that must be what hell sounds like. I guess better this than actually showing those auditions, but still. If you’re making me mute your singing show, you’re doing something wrong.

Up next is Angela Martin. (O RLY.) She has some kind of story but my sound is cutting in and out badly so all I know is that it involves a kid, court, and a previous trip to Hollywood. Okay, if she made it to the top fifty before and had to bow out for reasons other than singing…this one is kind of a gimme, don’t you think?

[It's at this point that I realise the show is only going to run for one merciful hour. Which is as God intended it.]

At this point, I think some other singers were good, but my feed is still unfortunately having problems. And then some other singers were apparently bad, at which point my feed’s sound problems became something of a blessing. It’s like a montage of shrieks, and all things being equal I’d like my montage of tears back, thanks.

When Curley came on, for one brief moment I thought he was going to be good. Just one, brief moment. I had fewer hopes for Alannah when she followed him, though I think if she grabbed a clue at some point along the line, she could actually be okay. She has not yet grabbed a clue. About anything, apparently.

There was a silent film montage instead of the montage of tears, which I actually kind of liked in spite of myself. Do that more. I appreciate both the aesthetic and the irony.

OMFG. Tiptoe Through The Tulips. This guy came in and did Tiny Tim. Best trolling ever. Brian, hats off to you. You kept a straight face throughout that entire thing. I refuse to believe that was anything but a bold, bold gag.

I have to say that playing the theme from Rocky before an audition really just does not bode well, in any way. However, Harold was actually better than I was expecting him to be. Not good, but also not painful. Or maybe, based on the rest of the show, the bar is just set really low at this point. And I know it was wrong of me to giggle at the crying, but just let me have that, okay? I needed it.

Aaaaaand, yet another bad auditioners montage. The number of wails, contortions and costumes is truly astounding. Chicago, what hast thou wrought?

I would like to dedicate the rest of this post to John Park. Who is the saviour of this hour, and possibly this season. He began by actually interviewing about music (gasp!), and then proceeded to back it up with a great, controlled voice. On the spot, I arbitrarily decided he was my pick to take this season, in spite of the fact that they seem all but ready to kick all the guys into a bottomless abyss just to get a girl to win this season. (It doesn’t hurt that he has a bunch of friends who seem to love him and like to pick him up. It’s a thing.)

Oh, yeah, there was more show after that. Honestly, as someone who also survived severe anaphylactic shock at fifteen, I don’t have any patience for this as a backstory. In fact, I’m a little offended at it being exploited like this. You’re obviously fine enough now (and I would not be surprised if the inhaler later on was completely staged, in that context and the way she used it). I didn’t actually care how well she sang after that, and actually thought she was kind of weak. Since the judges had a mixed reaction, they apparently agreed. She won’t make it through Hollywood.

And with just a couple minutes remaining, we get a glimpse of a few people who actually made it through. Justin (love his hair, like his voice); Keith (enjoyed a lot! love his rough edges); Marcus (smooth, but uninteresting).

I think Shania is drunk. Or just really, really punchy.

And there we have it. What was good was actually really good, and what wasn’t…took up seventy-five percent of the show. Highest number of auditions, lowest number of golden tickets, shortest show thus far.

You’d better bring it, Orlando.

Well, let’s just say I’m very glad I didn’t hold my breath from the last episode. There are a lot of things worth passing out for, actually, but this was definitely not one of them.

We open with my favourite picture of Ryan ever, and how sad am I that I’ve already seen it many times before. This is apparently my life.

At this point they say something about the elevator which I completely miss because something more important was going on, perhaps an itch or a strange noise from the kitchen. Don’t worry, though. It’ll come back to haunt us all.

Dewone is our first contestant, who they show doing the Carlton Dance before we even heard him open his mouth. Oh yes, I can see this ending well. And then we are – just for me, I’m sure – reintroduced to the elevator that will take each contestant the 27 floors from the holding room to the judges. It’s a thing, you see. Dewone is about as good as you’d think.

Moving on! Keia is my new sekrit tv girlfriend (what? They’re tv girlfriends. I can have more than one), and she’s an absolute doll even before she sings. Which I got to hear about two seconds of before my livestream cut out. But apparently she did good, because the next thing I know she’s waving a golden ticket around.

In quick succession: Miriam (yawn, sorry!), Noel (ditto), and Tisha (more interested), all of whom we’ll apparently be seeing in Hollywood. Can it be Hollywood tiem nao?

(I hope I got those names right. I’m reading them from an itty bitty little livestream feed with one contact in and one contact out (don’t ask) and it’s just not a pretty scene.)

Jermaine has great taste in music, and a good voice, and I’m…just not feeling it. I loved the interpretation right up until that gratuitous run at the end. That stuff will just never win me over. (Unless you’re Adam Lambert.) (And even then.)

For perky Christy Marie, the TV host, I wrote “You don’t suck, but I can’t take this.” I have the strangest feeling I wrote that exact same thing last year. For someone named Tatiana. Thank God they nipped this one in the bud.

[Okay, for this elevator montage they should be playing Love In An Elevator, am I right or am I right?]

Finally they show us “small town girl” Vanessa, who they’ve been teasing us with since yesterday. If she sucks, they’ve wasted a lot of my time, and if she doesn’t that’s some hardcore pimping. I mean, is she for real? I am from a tiny town. Tiny. (Less than a hundred people, no lie.) And believe me, I was a lot more worldly than that by the time I hit junior high.

But you know, I like her. I like her in spite of the edit she’s getting. I like her song choice and I like her perseverence. I hope she doesn’t have a complete and utter meltdown in Hollywood.

And then of course they follow her with Jesse. I don’t even know what to say about this. Well, no, I do. American Idol? You are so not as funny as you think you are. Also, Mary J Blige, please marry me. Actually, I said that last one a lot tonight.

Montage of tears. Oh, montage of tears. I don’t begrudge your inevitable appearance, but this is one time I think they could amp up the drama just a little, to keep me entertained.

“Oh, Holly, no. Just no.” That is literally all I wrote for her audition, wherein she dressed up like a guitar. And got through to Hollywood. (Mary J Blige, you are my soulmate!)

[If they would only keep all the clips of bad singers to under ten seconds each. I could live with that.]

Mallorie comes in and sings a countrified version of Piece of my Heart, which isn’t nearly raw enough for my taste in that song, but she’s got her thing and she does it well. I can’t deny that. It’s not my thing, but it’s a thing.

Now, something else happened after that, but I was so distracted by the fact that they were playing Kris Allen’s Before We Come Undone that I could not tell you what it was. No lie. (Come baaaaack, Season 8!)

It’s almost over, right? Right? Apparently not. We have Skii bo ski, who is just one enormous WTF. He is like the living, breathing embodiment of WTF. Sadly, he can also sing, prompting my favourite line ever from Randy, “Shut up, you’re through to Hollywood.” This line does not deserve to be buried in a single audition. It should be the motto of the entire audition phase of the process. Instead of “yes” or “no”, you get “Shut up, go home” or “Shut up, you’re through to Hollyood.” I would watch the shit out of that.

Best friends auditioning together? Oh, this cannot end well. (Spoiler: it doesn’t.) Carmen and Lauren insist they’re both equally talented. They’re also both liars, because no way did they not know that Carmen can sing rings around Lauren. The editors then do me proud by hammering the tragic best friends point into the ground. I feel like this is some sort of challenge in the editing room, to keep it interesting. Who can make the most over the top segment without crossing the line.

I mean, there’s got to be a line somewhere, right? Right?

(Mary J Blige, seriously, I’ve got a ring all picked out and everything.)

Blah blah blah, string of bad girl singers with surprising poise and self-awareness. I can dig it. And now we’re almost done.

Brian Walker is a cop who wants to sing. That’s a great idea! They should make a television show about it! They can call it Cop Roc–oh, wait. Nevermind. Anyway, the guy’s actually really good, and I could not possibly care less. Because that’s just about the most boring style of singing I can imagine. I’d like to think that if I could do more than just carry a tune, I’d do something more interesting with it. Anyway, he’s through of course.

Lamar, aka Shouty McShouterson, is…something else, hoo boy. Lamar, not only do you need to stop saying words, you need to stop singing them too. Please. Any time now. Troll, or just some serious anger management issues? Hard to say, but his “Are you sssseriousssss?” made me crack the fuck up.

(I’m in Canada, Mary J, we could make it work.)

I would like to be angry about the last audition they show, because it doesn’t not even have the pretense of being a legitimate audition and I’d actually like to see something of the people who made it through, but… I can’t. Because it’s General Larry Platt singing an original composition – Pants on the Ground – and mark my words, it is going to be a cultural touchstone of this season. Less than two hours after the show aired on the east coast and it’s already trending higher than Haiti.

[Speaking of, Doctors Without Borders is one of many wonderful organisations to donate to, no matter where you're donating from.]

And yes, TGIO, that is the end of the show. 25 tickets to Hollywood and I don’t even know how most of them are. Good job. Chicago, please don’t suck.

I have decided, against all common sense and better judgment, to actually watch every episode of American Idol this year. Even the audition shows. Even the results shows. I’m not just going to youtube the performances I hear are worth watching. I’m going to watch it all. And then, in April or so, I’m going to look back and laugh at myself.

And you’re going to suffer enjoy it with me.

First up, Boston auditions! Where it is cold and raining and it’s a sign. (Spoiler: no really, it is.) [Blah blah blah, chaaaaanges. A star is born. I miss you already Season 8.] I watched this on a livestream so I can’t fact check a single thing in this post. I’m pretty sure it’s not going to matter. It’s all recapped from the contents of four electronic sticky notes anyway.

First up, Girl Who Rocks the American Idol Game Whose Name I Did Not Write Down. (There’s an American Idol game? Really? I fail at pop culture.) Despite the fact that I’m dying for someone completely socially awkward to make it really far, this one could only end in tears. Starting the year off with a bad audition, Idol? Was this really the wisest editing decision? Are you trying to tell us something?

And then we have Maddie, the first of many contestants with a oppressively forcefed backstory. Despite the fact that she seems sweet, as do her brothers with Down Syndrome, I would’ve been teeth-clenchingly resentful if she hadn’t sung Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah. Anyone who sings Leonard Cohen on American Idol is so much win. Thank God she did it well.

[And then there were some guys or something, but I wandered away to wash dishes.]

Then, in quick succession, Jennifer (ooh, that’s different), Claire (oh god, power ballad) and Jess (my current sekrit TV girlfriend), who all apparently are going to Hollywood. Go Jess?

Amadeo arrives smothered in stereotypes, which does not stop the editors from piling a few more on. Nor Kara from putting the Italian Cherry on top. (Something went wrong with my metaphor there, but somehow I like the mental image in spite of that.) He rocked the song choice, though. I kind of like him in spite of myself, though I can’t see him getting far.

And then we’re presented with sensitive, soulful Derek, who likes puppies and rainbows and long walks on the beach, and looks like Fabio’s much-less-attractive cousin. Maybe he can blame the fact that he stopped and smelled the flowers for the fact that he has what might be the most nasal singing voice I’ve ever heard.

Oh, Idol Producers. Is there no cliche you won’t mine?

Montage of Tears! I actually like the montags of tears. It makes me smile. Does that make me a bad person?

Moving on faster than the actual show does, we have Mary. Who is obsessed with Anime! I kind of wanted her to be good too, because seriously, I’m desperate for the socially awkward, but it was not meant to be. She does bring us my favourite moment of the night, though, we her indignant “How dare you!” at her dismissal.

More boys fly by. We have Luke, who I knew would be getting through just by looking at him. He was okay. And Benjamin, who I totally grooved to. I was into it.

Which brings us to Andrew, emo-glasses Andrew, about whom much was made in the previews. I have this to say about it: Epic Troll Is Epic. Hats off to you, Andrew. You committed absolutely to your trolling and never wavered. Hats off.

Does Boston really have that many guys who can’t sing? My notes for this segment pretty much consist of “omgwtfbbq”, which really can’t be good.

[A sixteen year old with a voice I can't believe? Really, the only way you're going to pull that off is if she's a bass.]

Am I even halfway through yet? Did we really need two hours of this heavy-handed crap, when the best singers who are going to make it to the end were probably only shown in montage? I’m remembering why I usually skip all this and catch Hollywood Week. They could show an entire season of Hollywood Week and I’d probably watch that shit.

Ashley. I have a note that says “she has everything that they want” which probably means she is a woman who’s reasonably good looking with a powerhouse diva voice. I predict my own future boredom.

Tyler. I loved the shit out of Tyler. He came out there with his 70s stylin’ and he just worked it, without pretense. He’s my boy.

[Did I just see a Cale Mills clone on screen? It's possible I have the Kris Allen Band on the brain. All the time.]

They actually seem to be sending through a lot of people who are not stereotypically good looking. I predict 99% will be cut in Hollywood.

Protip: I don’t recommend turning my predictions into any kind of drinking game. You risk hospitalization if you drink every time I’m wrong.

And now Simon and Randy are late for day two because they’re making out in a limo. My notes say so, therefore it is actualfax.

Lisa. I kind of liked her in spite of myself, and thought she was going to be one of the good auditions. She…was not. Ouch. That was a lovely ass shot, though, even if Ryan’s “bottoms up” was a touch of overkill. And when it’s overkill on AI, it is killed dead.

Some guy named Ryan sings Ring of Fire, and I think this was probably only notable to me because Ring of Fire will now and forever be associated with Adam Lambert. Sorry Country Music. You’ve been pwned.

Mike Davis, apparently the only contestant I’ve given a surname. A sign? Who can tell. I’m going to give you my notes verbatim, because really they say it all. “he’s a dude. just a dude. actor on a speedboat? that’s a job? CODZILLA. Wait, that’s his singing voice? Really? REALLY? (wait, did he actually just ask kara out?)”

[I'm truly shocked at the lack of Kradison clones. Shocked, I say. Where's my montage of that?]

Honestly, when every other contestant has a sob story and they’re all playing Top My Trauma, it’s just boring. It doesn’t mean anything anymore. I think someone was singing at this point, but I went on a rant about all the yawn-worthy sob stories and all I noted was that she was good. So go you! Whoever you are!

I was feeling Joshua, actually. I don’t see him getting past Hollywood, but I was feeling him. [Then again, if I'd seen Kris Allen's audition, maybe I would've said the same thing. Wait, no. Kris is humble, but I fucking love the tone of his voice. I like to think I would've picked up on it right away.] Joshua’s “Shut up, please” was adorb largely because I totally would’ve done the exact same thing. Are we sure he’s not secretly Canadian?

[Forgotten lyrics montage. Bored now.]

Justin Williams (oh hey, he gets a last name too, I must have had time to kill) … cute and a cancer story? As long as this guy can carry a tune, he’s through. Aaaaaand, I’m right. Please don’t be a douche. (I’m informed that this guy was in White Chocolate with Kris and Matt last year. Someone needs to diiiish.)

And here is the moment when I become Judgey McJudgerson, because when you’re a guy described as having the voice of a three-year-old girl and the look of LaToya Jackson, and it’s accurate? That’s a little terrifying. Seriously. Be afraid.

And thank God, we near an end. Bosa is such a sweet and endearing guy, and I’m glad he got through, but that style is so not my thing. It’s a little like Chikezie, actually. I loved his countrified Beatles cover (no, really, I did), and I liked him, but most of the time I was just bored.

Leah Backtonolastnames. Again, this is the powerhouse voice that they love to put through, and that generally bores me to tears. She’s got this little edge, though. I don’t know. With the right songs, I think I could be into it. Maybe.

And we sign off with a few more golden tickets, the only name that I caught being Antoine (Antwon? No idea), who apparently I enjoyed.

C’mon Idol, show us some more of the good auditions. The bad ones can suck it. Dare I hope for Atlanta tomorrow night?