Strangely Socialised

Blah blah blah melodramatic recap of previous episodes. Their lives will end if they don’t get through. American Idol is harder than prison.

Janell Wheeler: (Thank you, Idol, for not making me wait!) They show her House of the Rising Sun again, which reminds me why I love her. Even though Simon apparently didn’t like her voice. GTFO, Simon. But girl, you need to hold your shit together and get used to the pressure. Ellen calls American Idol a “crash course” and mentions that it gets harder and hard, and I feel like Ellen really gets it. Janell is a yes. (And yes, I’m cheering! But at this point she really needs to bring it or my loyalty is going to Crystal Bowersox.)

Tyler Grady: I love that this guy never loses his seventies style and vibe. I feel like it’s very genuine. It’s not really something you’d pick to be cool. And I like that the judges seem to dig it rather than scorn it. Tyler is a smooth yes. And I dig it.

Lacey Brown: I’m not sorry they picked Megan over her last year, because I’ve grown to adore Megan Joy, especially post-idol, but I’m glad she’s back this year. She seems mature and spunky and awesome. I think Simon genuinely likes her, too. Lacey is an enthusiastic yes, and I’m getting more and more into her.

Ashley Rodriguez, Alex Lambert and Joe Muñoz (who?), are all shown getting through in quick succession without a recap of their performances or a conversation with the judges.

Crystal Bowersox: She has a photo of her son in her pocket as a good luck charm, and I really could watch her sing all day, I swear. She’s got a vibe that I remember from some of the singer-songwriters that I remember from the 90s, that I haven’t seen in a while. She interviews that the show has “3 million viewers or something” and that it’s obviously huge, and is corrected that it’s actually 30 million viewers. So no pressure, Crystal. And…Crystal is a unanimous yes. Duh. A top 24 without her would have been a travesty. They wake up her little boy to announce the news, and he seems so grumpy. It’s awesome.

Katie Stevens: Katie’s the one with the grandma with Alzheimer’s, and I hate that it’s way easier to remember her that way than by anything she’s performed. I cheer for singers, not backstories. They show a snippet of one of her performances and it strikes me as very average, but maybe I just feel like she’s lacking in personality. Ellen gets to deliver the news to her, and Katie is a yes.

They show a montage of bad news, but they don’t show any names with it and I just don’t recognize any of these faces so I can’t even say who they were. I would call it a montage of tears, but there…actually aren’t many of those.

Angela Martin: Angela of the epic bad news, this is her third time in Hollywood and the previous two times she had to drop out for reasons outside of singing. They’ve focused so much on her story this year, and she’s one of the ones I really feel for. Her time with the judges is gross right from the start, when Kara decides to sit with her and an inappropriate and awkward and condescending way. Angela is a surprising no, and this segment seems to go on forever and I just want it to end. I can’t believe they didn’t put her through after all that. Ryan comes across better than any of them, and I rarely feel like Ryan is open and sincere but I feel it in that moment with Angela.

People in the holding room are anxious to hear their results. This is news?

Lilly Scott: I love this girl’s style, and I love that they actually showed something of her during Hollywood week. It actually hurts when she has trouble with her rehearsal, because it sounds like Michael Orland doesn’t like her and I want everyone to like her! She seems so fun and so sweet and so different from a lot of the other contestants. Lilly is a yes (yes!) and she’s so excited. So excited!

It’s been noted in many places and by many people that they’re obviously pushing for a female winner this year, but I’m really interested in which girls they’re putting through to the two 24. Sure, girls with guitars seems to be a theme, but they’ve almost all got these interesting and not average voices, and they’ve all actually got these different styles. I know that the best singers don’t always make it to the end, that they’re looking for specific things, but I’m actually pretty happy with most (not all, but most) of the choices they’ve made.

Paige Miles, Siobhan Magnus, and Michelle Delamor, Jermaine Sellers, and John Park are all put through without full segments. Michelle Delamor and John Park are totally adorable when they get the news.

In a fight for the final girls’ spot we have Haeley Vaughn and Tori Kelly. If you ask me, Tori Kelly is the stronger singer, but there’s no way they’re not putting Haeley Vaughn through. She’s got a unique thing going on and in this particular year they’re not going to pass that up.

Haeley Vaughn: They show one of her weaker performances, but it also really shows her style, that pop country thing. Simon gives her the news that it’s a yes.

Tori Kelly: They show her Hot and Cold performance, and I’m probably biased because I don’t dig that song so it’s hard to get behind someone who’s singing it straight. She’s got a voice, but I’m left a little cold. Tori gets a no.

And in a fight for the final guys’ spot, Thaddeus Johnson and Andrew Garcia. This was a really bad choice for the final battle, because everyone and their dog knows that Andrew Garcia is going through. There is no drama and no suspense here. Well, I wouldn’t say there’s no drama, but wait for it.

Thaddeus Johnson: His mother is as much a part of this segment as Thaddeus is, unsurprisingly. I’ve said it before, there’s a line between supportive and pushy/enabling and I feel like this crosses it. We see a snippet of his Man in the Mirror performance again, and he’s good, but he’s also young and as much as I enjoy him he’s one of those people I feel like could use a little growth and then come back to kick some ass. Simon breaks the news that it’s a no, and Thaddeus loses his shit. This sort of backs up my point that he’s just not ready for this, that he can’t understand the concept of being good, but other people maybe being better. His mom comes off well here, though, being strong and supportive of him while not overreacting.

Andrew Garcia: They show his Straight Up performance again, and it’s still sheer brilliance. I feel like he’s going to face a lot of comparisons to Kris Allen this season, based on his musical choices and style, and maybe get some flack for it from the fan side, but I like him and I like his music. Andrew is the most unsurprising yes of all of them, and like Crystal Bowersox he mentions and adores his kid without me feeling like he’s exploiting him.

And a nod to the Chris Golightly situation: he appears in the group shot of the top twenty-four, but in the individual shots he is replaced by Tim Urban. (O deer.) The story is that Chris had a previous contract that had expired by the time of his audition, but he couldn’t find any proof of that by the time they called him on it. And as much as I feel like he’s genuinely being screwed by this, if you’re going on American Idol where you know they’re sticklers for shit like that? Keep your paperwork handy and in a safe place.

Of course, they play Hallelujah over a montage of the semi-finalists. I love that song ridiculously, but it just feels so inappropriate here.

Anyway. Here, at last, are the semi-finalists for American Idol Season Nine:

Top 12 Girls: Didi Benami, Paige Miles, Lacey Brown, Ashley Rodriguez, Katelyn Epperly, Michelle Delamor, Katie Stevens, Haeley Vaughn, Siobhan Magnus, Janell Wheeler, Lilly Scott, and Crystal Bowersox.

Top 12 Guys: Todrick Hall, Tyler Grady, Aaron Kelly, John Park, Andrew Garcia, Lee Dewyze, Joe Munoz, Tim Urban, Michael Lynche, Casey James, Alex Lambert and Jermaine Sellers.

Happily, this is one of the last two structurally difficult episodes I’m going to have to tackle, because once the top 24 is announced, it’s a strict formula right through till the end. In fact, this too, too long episode is so structurally ridiculous that I’m just going to write it out in my own order to avoid an entire recap of “and then we flashed back to…”, and not just because “and then we flashed back to” often ends with “utter silence”, since contestants are forbidden from speaking while in the holding rooms.

Yes, it’s a wholly manufactured tense silence. You’re shocked, I’m sure.

We begin with a very melodramatic montage of the journey all these people have been on, from the monstrous line-ups of the first audition to the very last solo in Hollywood before the final decision is made. And I’ll admit, that’s a much longer journey than they made it seem like, timewise, but also not exactly a life and death situation.

At 7am the contestants are having breakfast, early in the afternoon they start their solos and by 8pm the judges are making the final decisions. The most important thing I not here is that Ellen is looking awesome in her tie.

As in previous years, contestants are divided into rooms (three this year, as opposed to the four last year), and are told they’re staying or going in huge batches.

In room one, among others that shall remain nameless, are Casey James, Tim Urban, Tyler Grady, Andrew Garcia, and Todrick Hall. With Andrew Garcia in the room, it’s immediately clear they’re going through, even if the others hadn’t been strong contenders too. (Well, Naked Casey a little less so, but I like him. So sue me. I just hope we hear more of the blues and see less of the stripping.)

Also later identified to be in this room: Jermaine Sellers, Siobhan Magnus, Crystal Bowersox (seriously, they must know they’re a safe room), Alex Lambert, Mike Lynche, Thaddeus Johnson, Tori Kelly, Lilly Scott (seriously, so fucking safe), and Katie Stevens

In room two they name Keia Johnson, Mary Powers, Lloyd Thomas, Hope Johnson and Christian Spear. THIS IS THE ROOM OF DOOM. That’s not a spoiler [spoiler: yes it is], I just think any room that has Mary Powers in it is probably not a comfortable place for anyone to be. I’m sorry to hear Keia Johnson namechecked here, though, because I liked her first audition and then we never heard another note from her that I remember.

Also later identified to be in this room: Jermaine Purifory (whaaaaat?), Charity Vance, Tasha Layton, Brian Walker, and Tisha Holland

And then in room three they have Shelby Dressel, Haeley Vaughn, Maddie Penrose (who?), Jessica Furney and Angela Martin. We get to hear Angela Martin sing and I’m digging her voice this time, which I wasn’t really excited by before.

Also later identified to be in this room: Didi Benami, Lee Dewyze, Lacey Brown, Aaron Kelly, Ashley Rodriguez, Janell Wheeler, and John Park (seriously, have we heard him sing a note since his audition?)

And for the record, I’m going to ignore every comment made about what the silence and uncertainty in the waiting rooms might mean because they have to be silent and sit on the floor. Of course they’re going to look tired and withdrawn and nervous and probably very uncomfortable.

Shockingly, there were highs and lows this week. Who knew? Thank you for informing me of this shocking revelation, Ryan.

Casey James is apparently taught how to dance by his group in the group round, which includes Jermaine Purifory. Casey is the only guy singing Bubbly (there’s probably a reason for that, dude) and seems a little lacking in connection with the audience, and Jermaine is the only one singing Brick House (which he nails) and he feels good about it.

Jermaine Sellers calls the band out for playing the wrong arrangement of Man in the Mirror (which apparently they are playing a lot of today, thank you Kris Allen), and Kara mutters under her breath “Don’t throw the band under the bus” which are the wisest words that have ever come out of her mouth.

Siobhan Magnus is told by Ellen to “have fun” and “don’t be so old” and I find all of her fashion choices questionable, but she’s got a voice with a rocker wail (that I’m betting is going to get compared to Adam Lambert more than we ever want to hear) and also? Glassblowing apprentice is possibly the best job description I’ve ever seen.

Crystal Bowersox plays guitar, harmonica, and sings If It Makes You Happy, and I am so on board the Crystal train now. I get it. Mea culpa, I am sorry I haven’t been hyping her since the moment I saw her. I know it’s premature to be on board with any contestant since next week will be the first real test of who can do it and who can’t, but I love her.

Alex Lambert (boy, if you get through someone is going to accidentally call you Adam, probably in the first episode) plays the ukulele for his final solo. (Okay, can someone explain to me when those got cool? Don’t get me wrong, I like them, but it seems like they’re showing up everywhere lately.) I think his voice is actually kind of interesting, now that I really get to hear it.

Mike Lynche and Todrick Hall both tackle the same song, and it’s three good and dramatically different versions of what is a good song to begin with (Jason Mraz), which are pretty interesting to hear back to back to back.

Thaddeus Johnson (and his very ‘supportive’ mother) are up next, and we watch him sing Man in the Mirror after a false start in which the band began the wrong song for him. And I know people love his mother, but wow she shrieks ‘stage mom’ at me. I feel super awkward watching her.

And now we magically get to hear the contestants thoughts as we show awkward and uncomfortable close-ups of them in the holding rooms. I’ve just got to say, I’m so bored at this point. I hate this kind of episode construction in regular television (which every new show does once within the first ten episodes, I swear to go), and it’s just tedious here. In an attempt to jack up the drama they’ve killed the pacing and most of my interest in it.

Charity Vance sings Gravity for her final performance, and sounds dull and lifeless. She’s followed by Tasha Layton, who sang The Scientist on Day One (which sounds great).

DIAF Mary Powers. I’m not recapping you. Except Simon’s comment, “I think she’s interesting because she’s old,” which made me snort.

Lloyd Thomas also sings Man in the Mirror, and less well than the rest that we’ve heard today. Brian Walker, who I’d completely forgotten existed, follows him. Or so I understand, but we never get to hear him sing.

We get an unnecessary recap of Hope Johnson’s backstory, and then about two lines of her first Hollywood song which sounds breathy and a bit off pitch. I’m kind of tired of hearing how hard she’s had it, because she kind of doesn’t seem like she has. And then we hear her final solo which…also sounds breathy and flat.

Shelby Dressel, who Ellen apparently loves, has a bad rehearsal with the band and kind of freaks out a little. Michael Orland helps her get her shit together and proves once again why he’s awesome. She sings More Than a Feeling, which sue me, I adore. And she does a kickass job of it, too.

Aaron Kelly, who I still feel is totally insincere, can’t remember lyrics to save his life. And I just don’t think he has the voice to make up for that. I so wish they’d nixed him early on and encouraged him to come back in a year or two.

Ashley Rodriguez, who I don’t remember from any previous rounds, comes out of nowhere and seems pretty badass. Have we even heard her sing outside the group round? Anyway, she sings Battlefield and since I don’t listen to the radio and that song isn’t totally slaughtered dead for me, I really loved it.

Lee Dewyze follows (“Paint Sales Clerk” so much less awesome than “Glassblowing Apprentice”), who I don’t know that we’ve heard much from before either, sings “You Found Me” in a kind of a shouty way, and then Joe Munoz sings yet another Man in the Mirror which is unexceptional. We barely hear anything from either, though, so it’s pretty hard to say just how they actually did.

Haeley Vaughn continues to be adorable, and continues to have difficulty singing the tune in key. I like her, and I want to like her singing more than I do.

Janell Wheeler! She started so strong in her first audition (House of the Rising Sun) and her first Hollywood performance (American Boy), but she just seems to fall apart here, and if I’m calling out other people for cracking under the pressure a little early in the competition, I guess I have to call my favourite out too. This is a bad song choice for her, sung adequately, and I hope it doesn’t screw her because I want to see her get through on the strength of her earlier performances. She seems to be in a strong room, though, so I’m feeling good.

Let me cut right through the suspense here. Two rooms are safe, one is cut. The judges fuck around with the two that are safe, because that’s what they do, and break the news to the cut room quickly. Room one: Ellen breaks the news and duh, they’re safe. They mostly look relieved at the news. Room two: Simon gets to do this one, and he’s efficient and not cruel about it when he says they’re out. Mostly they look kind of numb, except Mary Powers who is shocked. SHOCKED. Room three: Randy and Kara do this one, and they’re total jerks about it, but I giggled anyway cause I’m kind of a jerk too. They are freaking excited about it, so I’m betting they were a lot more worried than room one.

We’re down to 46 now.

But no, we’re not done! Because they’re going on for another hour to start “the chair episode” early, getting down to the business of cutting down to the final 24. And hoo boy do they drag it out.

Michael Lynche: Yes, we know his wife just had a baby. Actually, I bet if I look back at my notes I can tell you not only when and how big the baby was, but what she ate that day and how much afterbirth there was. Mike feels like he did good in Hollywood, and Simon questions his belief in his talent. I don’t know, but I bet he was a little bit distracted? Maybe? By his wife’s cervix? Mike is a unanimous yes.

Didi Benami: Blonde girls with guitars really do seem like a gimme this season, except there really were way more of them earlier than there are now. We get a recap of her backstory, which I really wish they wouldn’t do. She sang Angel as her final solo, which is really emotional but I actually don’t really care for. I’m clearly a terrible person. Didi cries before the judges even really begin talking. Simon says she was inconsistent and strings her along. Didi is another unanimous yes.

Katelyn Epperly: Throughout Hollywood the judges apparently question her ability to connect with her songs. As do I. And your parents divorce is not a sob story, please grow some perspective. It’s not that I don’t like her, I just think a lot of other people are better. I do like the hat she wears when she faces the judges. /shallow Ellen strings her along for so long, it’s hilarious. And Katelyn is a yes.

Shelby Dressel: We get to see her final performance of More Than a Feeling again, which I still like. She’s overwhelmed, even before she goes in to see the judges. “It’s a dream I don’t want to wake up from.” Randy breaks the news, and encourages her to come back. Randy says “Don’t let the dream end.” Simon says “That was the wrong decision” after she leaves. So Shelby was apparently a not unanimous no.

Casey James: I’d actually forgotten about his motorcycle accident backstory. But the Naked Casey moment will live forever. They belabour a joke about his hometown of Cool until Kara finally tells him it’s “cool” he’s going through. Kara’s crush is painful, but Casey is so cute in his excitement. So Casey is a yes.

Aaron Kelly: “All that I’ve learned in my journey.” That’s like a melodramatic Ryan line, not something a real person says. I’m sorry, I don’t get it. He does nothing for me. Having a tough life does not entitle you to a spot in the two twenty-four, and I’m not being mean when I say that. He stumbles a lot in Hollywood, too. He’s not bad but I just don’t think he’s special. Aaron is an unsurprising yes.

Lee Dewyze: Now that I hear a little more of him, I still think he’s kind of shouty, but there’s a gravelly quality to his voice that I love, and he has no pitch problems which is a relief compared to a lot of them. He reminds me (looks-wise) of Luke Kirby, which will probably only mean something to my fellow Canadians, and probably not even all of them. He looks incredibly nervous while telling us how confident he is in himself, and says ‘like’ about ten times in one sentence. He is a yes. What I find most interesting about his segment is in his confessional afterwards he says he came into the competition thinking “American idol, whatever” and then says “you learn to care about it so much” which is…an interesting way to put it. It sounds like brainwashing, but he’s so sincere and blown away by his success.

[ I'm mostly only talking about the contestants here, but there's a Queen "You're My Best Friend" montage at this point, which I'm noting because it's Queen and queen always deserves a mention.]

Todrick Hall: Stresses how much he is a trained dancer and not a trained singer. I liked his original song at the audition, but I’ve grown to like him less and less as the auditions have progressed. Which I feel like I was meant to, based on the edit he has received. He is a yes, though, which is delivered by Kara very succinctly.

Jessica Furney: You know, I feel like I liked her last year more than I liked her this year? Randy breaks the news that she didn’t make it very quickly, and Jessica kind of loses it and starts begging. She has this whole epic speech that they actually let her deliver and don’t cut her off. Simon finally tells her that they are not changing their minds, and when she asks what she did wrong, he says “You didn’t sing as well as the others.” Which should have been the end of it, but they’re milking this one for all it’s worth. Ellen stresses that this is just one no, and she will move on from this. So Jessica is a very firm no.

So in an entire hour we get through only nine people. Wow that was tedious. At least things will have to move along more quickly tomorrow.

[ Famous last words. ]

Late again! I missed the beginning of the episode once again and had to download it, and once I have to download something I procrastinate like hell before actually doing something with it. But finally, here we go! Group Round!

I love that they canonically call this Hell Week. Seriously, if you can’t handle the pressure now? Then you’re not ready to do this. You’re seriously not. Because you have no idea what’s coming when it really starts to get heavy.

I honestly kind of would like to see more of how these groups come together, because that’s just chaos. I’d be so lost unless someone pulled me in. Introversion FTW. Or FTL, actually. I’d be that sad girl wandering in between the groups singing to herself until someone took pity on me.

Mary Powers’ group – The Dreamers, apparently – seems like a bit of a train wreck right from the start. Two girls join ‘her’ threesome, and right away it’s a deal. They ‘forced’ their way in, Alex Lambert? Really? Y’all couldn’t have said you didn’t have any more room right from the start? Or did you just change your minds afterwards and want to be douches about it. [Spoiler: there is douchery.]

Seriously, though, how much does it have to suuuuuck to have to rehearse on top of each other like that? There’s no legit reason for it, except to up the tension between the contestants and the groups, and on the one hand I’m good with that, because Hell Week is supposed to be a pressure cooker, and on the other hand, I just want to hear what these people can actually do.

It turns out that Bad Romance is one of the options for groups to sing, and as much as I love Gaga and I love that song…OMG that is just a disaster waiting to happen. Mark my words. The duelling bad romance groups (Neapolitan and Destiny’s Wild) finally give us our first glimse of Siobhan Magnus, who I had never heard sing before but I’d seen her name bandied about here and there so apparently she’s kind of good. Or she just has an awesome name.

Phoenix has found a closet to rehearse in, which is so what I would have done given a quarter of a chance. I have no idea what they’re accomplishing in there, but there is a closet.

Big Mike Lynche’s wife’s water just broke, and I’m sure she’s thrilled both that it’s being televised, and that her husband isn’t there with her while she gives birth. His group is called Team Awesome (awesome!) and apparently they finished ahead of everyone else, which either means they’ve got their shit together, or they’re going to be dramatically underrehearsed.

It’s clear, though, that The Dreamers (or possibly Mary Power and the Dreamers, from the looks of it), do not have their shit together. Guuuurl, when you piss off Michael Orland before you even get out of the group round? That does not bode well.

Meanwhile the rival Gagas are having their time with Debra Byrd, and still can’t stop sniping at one another. It’s seriously loud vs. louder and at this point I hope they both fall on their faces.

Breakfast seems like a very happy place. Dear god, how are they so cheerful on no sleep? I suspect there are drugs involved. Particularly because no one can remember the lyrics to one verse of their songs, and seriously they deserve to have the smack laid down on them.

[ Michael Orland and Debra Byrd are awesome. Just putting that out there. ]

People begin to melt down at this point, as I suspect they have been all morning in the unedited version of events. Mary Powers has gone from abrasive to controlling to an out and out bitch. I say this without an ounce of hyperbole or shame. I can’t even stand to watch her anymore, seriously. And I lived through watching the epic crazy that was Tatiana last season. I kind of hope Mary just flames right out before the end of Hell Week.

Side note: Big Mike, I think you’re a good guy, but I’m not watching this show to experience the birth of your child. “Too big to miss”? Except you are missing it. And updating us on your wife’s every push. Now I am in no way surprised that the producers latched onto this drama – it was probably a fucking gold mine – but since it is not related to the actual competition, I don’t need to see it.

On with the show.

“This group in the theater is mentally drained and physically exhausted. Today is their toughest day.” Oh Ryan, never stop being so encouraging.

First up is Faith (Charity Vance, Ashley Rodriguez and Michelle Delamor), who sounded good and actually harmonized well. I don’t actually enjoy any of their voices, they’re all so high-pitched, but I can tell that they’re good. My taste in voices becomes increasingly clear the more I recap these shows. The judges put them all through.

Team Awesome, Big Mike’s group made up of Michael Lynche, Michael Castro, Michael Rollins and Tim Urban, performs next, and they’re not bad but they don’t seem to have a lot of energy, and they’re lacking the harmony of the last group, but they’re not a train wreck. (They’ve barely shown Michael Castro to us at all this season, have they? I still think Tim sucks, but they put him through again, along with Big Mike.)

Neapolitan (Liz Rooney, Thaddeus Johnson, Jessica Cunningham and Paige something) is the first of the Gagas to perform. They changed up the song enough to make it interesting, but they don’t work together well at all, and there were parts that just sounded wrong. (Apparently Destiny’s Wild thinks they have a copyright on a capella. O RLY. You sound like morons, and I like you so much less now, badass Siobhan Magnus or not.) The judges like it, though, and put them all through.

Destiny’s Wild (Todrick Hall, Theri, Jareb Liewer, and Siobhan Magnus) performs right after them. (Really? Or is that just good television?) I don’t know what the hell they were complaining about anyway because besides being a capella your arrangements aren’t the same at all. Also, you sound bad and are relying on theatrics to get you through, and your last note made me want to cry. Ellen thinks it’s weird and surreal. She’s not wrong. Yet they put them all through too. WTFE.

Honestly, I think you’re all douches. Especially Theri and Todrick.

Following them a lot of mostly unidentified people are all put through to the next round. Here’s my advice to the judges: cut moar. Seriously. Start with the Gaga groups.

The next performance we actually see is The Mighty Rangers (Tori Kelly, Maddie Penrose, Mark Labriola, Kimberly Kerbow and Danny someone who we don’t hear), who all auditioned in Denver and apparently gravitated towards one another in Hollywood. The whole thing was weak weak weak, and then they forgot the lyrics. Mark fights for his life, but dude, that never works.

The group Phoenix is down a member today because one of their original five decides to bail instead of humiliating herself on stage. If you ask me, bailing on national television like that is a little bit more humiliating. Just sayin’. But since you obviously can’t handle the pressure, better we don’t waste any more time with you in future episodes.

So the remaining members of Phoenix (Ben Honeycutt, Jeff Goldford, Moorea Masa and Jermaine Sellers) perform Carry On Wayward Son (OMG, this was an option and more people didn’t do it?). I don’t know if they’re shaken up by losing someone or they were a disaster to begin with, but this is not good. Only Jeff and Jermaine get through. Hi Ben Honeycutt. Bye Ben Honeycutt. I know a lot of people preliked you? But you don’t know the lyrics to Carry On Wayward Son. Dead to me.

Then a lot of people try to sing Gwen Stefani’s Sweet Escape, which doesn’t strike me as a great idea to begin with so I’m stunned at how many people tackled it. I mean, it’s sad when you get a huge cheer just for being the one person to manage to get through the chorus.

The only one of these theys how all the way through is Big Dreams (Matt Lawrence, Amanda Shechtman, and two others that don’t get to sing) Amanda blew that hard. I thought the guys were good, though, but simon cut them all. (With a great deal of hyperbole, too. Oh Simon, you are so over this show, aren’t you?) Boooo.

They show a montage of ‘familiar faces’ who all got cut at this point, but the only one I really remember from previous rounds is Dave Pittman.

Middle C (Janell Wheeler, Jermaine Purifory and Casey James) are so good. Am I biased, or do I just really dig Janell and Casey’s voices? Who cares, I liked it, and apparently the judges did too.

Also through were Three Men and a Baby (Andrew Garcia, Katie Stevens, J.B. Ahfua and…someone else), who were obviously good but not all that interesting, if you ask me. Then again, at this point all you need to do is survive, and they did.

And last up (of course!) are Mary Powers and The Dreamers (Mary Powers, Hope Johnson, Margo May, Alex Lambert and one other girl). They. Are. A. Train. Wreck. I honestly can’t comprehend why I liked Mary Powers before this episode. I don’t remember a single likeable thing about her. She gets through, though, along with Hope and Alex. I like Hope and have mixed feelings about Alex, but Mary can GTFO now.

So 96 singers were trimmed down to 71, and they could have trimmed a little more fat there. I wish we’d heard a few more people I wanted to hear (John Park, Tyler Grady and Keia Johnson to name three) but all in all it was Group Round, and that made me happy.

Idol, if you love me, Janell Wheeler will be at least top ten.

Ryan opens the first episode of Hollywood Week by announcing that this will be the toughest week of their lives. I would accuse him of hyperbole, but I actually believe that it is for some of them. Must be nice to have a life where this is the worst it’s gonna get. Probably not the ones with the sob stories, though, unless my television was lying to me. And that would never happen.

Also, I love you Ellen, please don’t suck. I’ve always felt like her experience with stand-up and with dealing regularly with a live audience is something that’s being underestimated. So thank you, Idol, for at least mentioning half of that.

Also also, I’ve always liked the expression “sudden death”. It’s so dramatic.

These people are pimping Katie Stevens hard, but she’s composed on stage and she’s got her shit together, which is more than you can say for a lot of people at this point. Like Skiiboski, who fails hard with his predatory stalking all over the stage. And those are the only two they’re going to show us of this group of eight, or the next few probably, because who cares about those pesky other people who are singing well. It’s not like the winner was every someone who didn’t get a lot of screen ti– oh.

I’m quoting this next line verbatim from my notes, because I feel it sums up my position on this entire episode quite well: “Pimp pimp pimp pimp pimp. Show me something new.”

Here’s Andrew Garcia again, with his guitar this time. And I know I was kind of lukewarm on him before, but I think I get it a little more now. His version of Straight Up is kind of genius. And Vanessa, oh Vanessa. I did predict a Hollywood meltdown, but I actually thought it would happen on group day. O deer, that did not sound good.

It’s definitely pretty obvious at this point, as if it wasn’t before, which were the pity tickets to Hollywood. Split Pants Cornelius goes, as does Italian Amadeo (who choked hard, and by choked, I mean shouted). Megan Wright goes too, though I thought she had more of a shot. A little later on we also lose Beatboxing Jay, Dominatrix Erica and the Jersey sisters (who I thought would bring more drama).

And finally I get to see a little more of Janell Wheeler, and my faith in her is so justified. She sounded glorious, and I loved her even more with the guitar. I really, really hope she goes far.

Some of these Hollywood performances are just epic failures. And I know part of it’s nerves and part of it’s putting people through for the wrong reasons, but these are some easy cuts.

Haeley Vaughn’s got her guitar with her this time, and I’m kind of hoping she does well. Her vocals aren’t as good as her first audition, but she’s just that little bit different from everyone else that makes her stand out. Not a lot, just enough. And there’s Mary Powers again! I remember liking her, in spite of her dated leather outfits, and I like her again. I fear she’s going to occasionally veer into shouty territory, but for now she’s got it.

Ellen fucks around a little bit with one of the lineups, moving them forward and back, and honestly, as soon as she starts we know they must all be going through otherwise that would be cruel, but I hope they knew that too. Okay, I’ll admit, it was funny. I love Ellen, NGL.

Thus ends day one, with another full day of this to go. And you know, I kind of love the bits where we see and hear and they refer to the production crew. Reality of reality.

Someone named Lilly performs and I have no recollection of her whatsoever, but I like her! I’m liking more people than I expected to. Not in a hardcore, memorable way (except Janell! My girl!) but not disliking them, which is something. And Mike Lynche’s wife is in labour as he performs, and I can’t even imagine what that’s like for him, but it would’ve been such a dick move to cut him after that unless he really, really stank up the joint. Which he didn’t.

Oh, Justin Williams. Idol voices over that we met him in Boston. We didn’t. We met him last year when he sang in White Chocolate with Kris and Matt. Kara says at his audition “I am going to remember you” which seems unlikely since she obviously didn’t last time. He tanks hardcore, though, and I feel like a terrible person for being pleased but…I’m a little pleased.

Tim Urban sings a David Cook song and suffers in comparison. Boy sounds weeeeak, not to mention off-key, in those vocals. Yet he goes through to the next round! And a bunch of my friends like him, so what do I know, apparently. Still, I am not pleased with this particular decision.

Maddie, the girl with multiple brothers with Down Syndrome, ends up cut. I remember liking her more than her story, but I’m not sure, which is exactly why I’m keeping a record of all of this this year. I actually kind of liked her performance, so I guess this is another case of disagreement.

I will forever remember Casey James as casting couch guy, who took off his shirt for Kara. In Hollywood he has his guitar with him, though, and he seems like a whole new guy. He just kind of comes to life with it in his hands and has this really interesting bluesy thing going on. I liked him to begin with, casting couch shenanigans aside, and am kind of looking forward to more, which is always a good sign.

Ryan tells me the day has been “riddled with drama”. Too bad we didn’t see any of it. The most dramatic part of the show was Skiiboski arguing with the judges, and even that was tame. Not that I necessarily want too much ~drama, but a little more would be nice.

Didi Benami performs, and she’s become a real favourite, hasn’t she? I’m still kind of liking her, but I have this weird and completely unsubstantiated feeling I might not keep liking her. But for now, she’s golden.

And finally, we follow Crystal Bowersox as she gets a tattoo in honour of her son, so at least we know it’s not a name she’s going to want to be scratching out in a year or two. She does a good job too, and is through to the next round.

So going into tomorrow’s group round, we have 96 people still standing. And group round, baby, that’s where the magic really happens.