Strangely Socialised

I need to tell you something. I am so ready for Hollywood week. So ready. Hollywood week never fails to be epic.

But we’re not in Hollywood yet, we’re in Denver, which is ostensibly the last audition city but they’ve also cobbled together a “best of the rest” show for tomorrow night, that I presume will highlight a few people that unexpectedly did well in Hollywood so they need to pretend like they liked them all along. (Dare I hope that means tomorrow night will be filled with the good auditions?)

And we have Posh again, because she doesn’t actually do anything else and is thus always available.

[ Daughtry :| ]

First up is Mark Labriola, who apparently is told on a daily basis that he looks like Jack Black. He does not. Only when he makes that weird bug-eyed expression. (Note to Mark: don’t do that.) This guy came in with the craziest story ever: apparently he was kidnapped by his mom for six years when he was four? He’s smiling and laughing the whole time he’s telling it so I have no idea what to make of it. Is it legit? Is it a crock? Honestly, I think I believe it, if only because that’s how I would tell that story if it was mine. Anyway, he’s good and I kind of like him. And his kid is adorable. Which shouldn’t be a factor in judging but it so, so is this year.

Following is Mario Galvan, who has an annoying little nervous laugh that Simon thought it would be hilarious to imitate. It’s not. He performs Elvis, and he’s average, which is not something you see a lot on these audition shows. Either you’re good, or you’re a joke. He’s neither. And thus he does not go through. I’m surprised he got here at all.

Then I discover my Life Theme Song: “I Hate Everyone”, which the use for a bitter rejectees montage. I think this might be my favourite part of the show.

I am so over children. Thank you, AI. Seriously, you’d think this show was about the children, the number of them they’ve showed at this point.

Which leads us into single mom Kimberly Kerbow singing “The Way I Am”. And she’s good, but it’s like an inflection for inflection imitation of the original. And the banter between her and Simon about Rogaine is just awkward. I’m not sorry to see her go through, but if she doesn’t bring something new and interesting she’s going to be gone fast.

Following Kimberley we have a bona fide “yes” montage, which is certainly better than a lot of the alternatives. But could we not possibly hear some of them sing?

[ More. Children. I wish I was joking. ]

Danelle Hayes is a karaoke host and singer in a cover band, and from the moment she arrives she’s crying about how hard the business is. And I’m sure she’s a little stressed and feeling the pressure of maybe getting a big break, but lots of people have much harder lives. And struggling for just two years doing something you love? I’m not as sympathetic as you want me to be. Still, I like the tone of her voice, and I think she could do some things that I like.

[ Seriously, everyone going to Hollywood has kids. They're going to need a freaking daycare this year. ]

Montage of costumes. Some of them outrageous. Some of them interesting. Some of them…boots? One of these things is not like the others. Cowboy boots and hot dog costumes are not in the same league.

Casey James shows up with a sob story about how he was in a motorcycle accident and had compound fractures and was told he might never play the guitar again. And I’m as impatient as I ever am with the relentless sob stories, but this one is at least relevant to the playing of music. The mixed reviews were interesting…and then they utterly objectified him. Which he seemed to be a willing participant in, but it had a skeevy casting couch vibe. “Sure you can go to Hollywood…if you take your shirt off.” And the thing is, I liked his voice and though it had potential if he brought a bit of personality to it. Even with his shirt on.

More motherfucking children. But at least they aren’t hers this time. Tori Kelly is sixteen and looks at least ten years older than that, and her… sister? Cousin? Family friend? I’m not entirely clear on this… named Hope brings in drawings for all of the judges. Okay then. At least they’re sweet about it. I’m not really into Tori’s voice but I’m sure they’re putting her through. She does about a second and a half in her lower register that I think is lovely and wish she would have done more.

If you’ve gotten the sense, over the past three weeks, that I like people singing in their lower registers…okay, I haven’t exactly been subtle. I own it. It’s my thing.

We’re over halfway through the show and they haven’t shown us a bona fide bad audition yet. I’m suddenly kind of dreading the second half the show. And we haven’t had the montage of tears yet! God help me, I’ve started to look forward to it. Is this how Stockholm Syndrome starts?

And yes, here it comes. Austin Paul is a football player and music composition student and he thinks he’s awesome. Like, really awesome. Super awesome. [Spoiler: he's not.] The judges actually call him on that cockiness, which was nice. (Okay, it was emotionally satisfying for me. I may or may not have issues dating back to high school. Moving on.)

He wasn’t a train wreck, though. I’m waiting for the train wrecks.

I don’t have to wait much longer. Kenny Everett comes in and he sings like his voice is in a blender. I’ve never heard anything quite like it, which is saying a lot because I’ve been watching this show for a long time. And as much as I want to say that people need to just not sing again after getting a no, ever, the truth is that they need to stop letting people carry on. It’s not entertaining me. Make a note.

In Kenny’s wake is a montage of bad singers, and to be honest I prefer this portion of the show in the form of a montage. Bad singers combined with the montage of tears. Seriously, this is how to do this shit.

Nicci Nix (I don’t think I caught that name right, but streams don’t have a rewind button) flew her from Florence, Italy for this audition. First of all, are you kidding me? Second of all, how did that work? How did she make it to the other auditions? Was she already in Denver? Did she fly back and forth three times? And what about residency and citizenship? Dual, I’m assuming, or is she even eligible?

Am I thinking too much about logistics in the face of a sweet girl with a helium voice who obviously makes good TV?

Her singing voice is much more pleasant than her speaking voice – unspectacular but so much easier to listen to that of course they’re going to let her through. (And when Posh followed up Simon’s dry comment on her singing the best lyrics ever with “Better than zig-a-zig-ha?” I legit cracked up.) She’s kind of adorable, really, and I predict a Hollywood meltdown.

We finish (almost!) with another sob story. And a truly, truly unnecessary one, about being born tiny and premature. (Also, hearing her birthdate made me feel old old old and I’m not telling you why.) Haeley Vaughn is interesting – she wants to be the first black pop-country singer to top the charts. And sure enough, she comes in and sings and she’s country, through and through. I didn’t expect to like her, but I do. (And I suddenly like the judges for actually offering legitimate singing advice and suggesting she sing more in her lower register. Ha! Vindicated!) They didn’t need to lead off with that baby story, it was completely unnecessary.

And now our last last audition is…bikini boy. IDGAF that the whole thing is set up and scripted, I love him anyway. He doesn’t break character, not once. It’s awesome.

“They’re coming back, right?”

Lordy I hope not. I’m ready for this phase of the competition to be over.

So for once the show was good-audition-heavy and it still came off flat. There’s got to be a better way to do this. Onward and upward, one more show before Hollywood.

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